Insurance

FADE IN
A doctor's office. As his attractive NURSE sits nearby, writing on a steno 
pad, the DOCTOR sits at a desk, opposite a wealthy, matronly PATIENT.

				DOCTOR
		Madame, I'm very sorry to state that you 
		cannot pass. Your physical condition is such 
		that I cannot grant you a policy.

				PATIENT
		Oh, I'm so sorry, Doctor. I had hoped that I 
		could get one today.

Doctor and Patient rise.

				DOCTOR
		Well, you can try again in two or three months. 
		Perhaps then the condition will right itself.

				PATIENT
		All right, Doctor. Thank you. Goodbye.

				DOCTOR
		Goodbye.

The Patient exits. 

				DOCTOR
			(to the Nurse)
		You, uh, made the notes on that case?

				NURSE
		Mm hmm.

A second patient enters: SIDNEY B. ZWIEBACK, a little Jewish man who wears a 
suit and hat. He hops up and down nervously. The Doctor and Nurse look at him 
as he stands in the middle of the office, shaking agitatedly.

				DOCTOR
		What's the matter with you?

				SIDNEY
		Nothing. I'm all right.

				DOCTOR
		What's wrong? What--?

				SIDNEY
		No, nothing wrong.

				DOCTOR
		What's happened to you anyway?

				SIDNEY
		Nothing is happening. I'm all right.

				DOCTOR
		Something is wrong with you.

				SIDNEY
		No, it's not, Doctor.

				DOCTOR
		But why are you jumping up and down like that?

				SIDNEY
			(unbuttons jacket, shows 
			off a pocket watch)
		I bought a second hand watch. If I don't do 
		this, it won't go. You see what I mean? I'm all 
		right, Doctor.

				DOCTOR
		Take off your hat.

				SIDNEY
		Thank you very much.

Sidney hangs his hat on a nearby hat stand as the Doctor sits at his desk.

				DOCTOR
		What brought you here anyway?

				SIDNEY
		I, eh, came to get some insurance.

				DOCTOR
		Mm hm. Young man, I don't think you can pass.

				SIDNEY
		You give me a pair of dice, I'll show you 
		whether I can pass or not.

Sidney sits opposite the Doctor.

				DOCTOR
		Sit down there. Were you sent to me?

				SIDNEY
		Yes. You know, three companies turned me down.

				DOCTOR
		Oh. What companies rejected you?

				SIDNEY
		The New York.

				DOCTOR
		Yes?

				SIDNEY
		New Haven and Hartford.

				DOCTOR
		What's your name?

				SIDNEY
		Sidney B. Zwieback.

				DOCTOR
		Your nationality?

				SIDNEY
		Irish.

				DOCTOR
		What?!

				SIDNEY
		Well, that is, I'm Irish and Jewish. You see, 
		my mother married my father--

				DOCTOR
		On what side are you Jewish?

				SIDNEY
		On the East side.

				DOCTOR
		Born?

				SIDNEY
		Yes, sir.

				DOCTOR
		Why? 

Sidney gives the Doctor a look.

				DOCTOR
		Business?

				SIDNEY
		Terrible.

				DOCTOR
		Have you any ailments?

				SIDNEY
		I can't sleep at night.

				DOCTOR
		You can't sleep?

				SIDNEY
		Can't sleep.

				DOCTOR
		Oh. Insomnia?

				SIDNEY
		No, Doctor, I can't sleep.

				DOCTOR
		Well, why can't you sleep?

				SIDNEY
		I can't find a place.

				DOCTOR
		Well, when you do sleep, how do you sleep?

				SIDNEY
		I sleep like this, very gently, can hardly hear 
		me.

Sidney briefly pretends to sleep: closes his eyes, puts his hands together, 
and places them against his face.

				DOCTOR
		Who do you sleep with?

				SIDNEY
		My brother.

				DOCTOR
		Your brother, eh? How does he sleep?

				SIDNEY
		Sleeps like this!

Sidney demonstrates by suddenly putting a leg on the Doctor's shoulder. Doctor 
pushes the leg away.

				DOCTOR
		Stop that! What's the matter with you?!

				SIDNEY
		That's why I can't sleep!

				DOCTOR
		You, uh, drink anything?

				SIDNEY
		Anything.

				DOCTOR
		Have you been intoxicated in the past five years?

				SIDNEY
		Doctor, I've been cock-eyed.

Sidney hops into the Doctor's lap. Doctor pushes him back into his chair.

				DOCTOR
		Here, stop that! Get over there!

				SIDNEY
		Any of your relatives or ancestors ever die an 
		unnatural death?

				SIDNEY
			(rolls his eyes, sadly) 
		Oh, my grandfather.

				DOCTOR
		Your grandfather, eh?

				SIDNEY
		Died of throat trouble.

				DOCTOR
		Throat trouble?

				SIDNEY
		They hung him.

				DOCTOR
		Did you ever have an accident?

				SIDNEY
		Never.

				DOCTOR
		Not even one accident?

				SIDNEY
		Not even one accident.

				DOCTOR
		Oh, you must have had an accident. Now, think.

				SIDNEY
			(reluctantly)
		Well, it was really close to one.

				DOCTOR
		Now, now. Tell me, tell me.

				SIDNEY
		You know-- Oh, maybe I ought not to tell you, 
		Doctor.

				DOCTOR
		Ohhh, you can tell the doctor anything.

				SIDNEY
		You know, last summer, I was on my vacation.

				DOCTOR
		Yes?

				SIDNEY
		And, when I was in the country, I stooped over 
		to pick up a daisy. You know how a fellow will 
		stoop over?

Sidney briefly demonstrates how he stoops over to pick up a daisy, then sits 
again.

				DOCTOR
		Yes, yes.

				SIDNEY
		And a bull came along and pitched me right over 
		the fence.

				DOCTOR
			(chuckles) 
		Well, don't you call that an accident?

				SIDNEY
		No. The darn bull did it on purpose.

				DOCTOR
		Did the bull do any damage?

				SIDNEY
		Hurt my arm.

				DOCTOR
		Oh, is that so? Well, stand up and let me see 
		how badly he damaged it.

Sidney rises and points to his left arm which he holds out at hip level.

				SIDNEY
		I can't raise my arm higher than this since the 
		bull threw me over.

				DOCTOR
		Oh, is that so? 

				SIDNEY
		Yeah.

				DOCTOR
		And before the accident, how high could you 
		raise it?

				SIDNEY
		Oh, way up! 
			(flings his left arm over his head) 
		I could do anything. I used to go rowing ...
			(pretends to row)
		... take exercises ...
			(touches his knees)
		... shoot crap with both hands.
			(pretends to shake dice)

				DOCTOR
			(sighs at Sidney's stupidity)
		How long can a man live without brains?

				SIDNEY
		I don't know. 
			(sits) 
		How old are you?

				DOCTOR
		Forty-two ... 
			(realizes he's been 
			insulted, recovers)
		How's your hearing?

				SIDNEY
		I don't get you.

				DOCTOR
			(louder) 
		How's your hearing?!

				SIDNEY
			(points to his own ear)
		I can't make out what--

				DOCTOR
			(leans toward Sidney, loudest) 
		How's your hearing?!!

				SIDNEY
			(a little annoyed)
		All right! All right!

				DOCTOR
		I better test your eyesight. Stand over there. 

Sidney rises and walks to the center of the office.

				DOCTOR
		Face me. Put your heels together. Now, what's 
		this?

Doctor holds up a round metal platter, about the size of a large dinner plate.

				SIDNEY
		A half a dollar.

Doctor BANGS the plate down.

				DOCTOR
		Young man, you need glasses.

				SIDNEY
		Yeah, with beer in 'em.

				DOCTOR
		Sit down here. 
			(Sidney sits)
		Think I'll test your heart.

				SIDNEY
		You know, Doctor-- 
			(clears throat) 
		I always have a little pain around my heart 
		after eating.

				DOCTOR
		Well, don't worry about that. That'll go away.

				SIDNEY
		Yeah -- and I'll go with it.

				DOCTOR
		Now, take a deep breath and say, "Mama."

Doctor puts his ear to Sidney's heart. Sidney sucks in air noisily.

				SIDNEY
		Mama.

				DOCTOR
		Louder. Mama.

				SIDNEY
			(more loud sucking of air) 
		Mama.

				DOCTOR
		Up higher. Mama.

				SIDNEY
		Up higher, Mama.

				DOCTOR
		Just "Mama."

				SIDNEY
		Just Mama.

				DOCTOR
		Plain "Mama."

				SIDNEY
		Sweet Mama!

Sidney tries to hug and kiss the Doctor who pushes him back.

				DOCTOR
		Stop that!

				SIDNEY
		I thought you wanted to play.

				DOCTOR
		Take off your clothes.

				SIDNEY
			(rises, shocked)
		Doctor!

				DOCTOR
		Go on, take them off.

				SIDNEY
		You don't know me well enough.

				DOCTOR
		Take them off.

				SIDNEY
		Listen ... 

Sidney gestures toward the Nurse.

				DOCTOR
		Oh, she understands.

				SIDNEY
			(coyly removes his jacket) 
		Well, I understand, too.

Doctor rises and approaches Sidney.

				DOCTOR
		Stand up straight.

Doctor taps on Sidney's chest. Suddenly, Sidney objects.

				SIDNEY
		Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, ohhhh! 
			(pulls a cheap cigar out 
			of his vest pocket, grins)
		Ten cents is ten cents!

Doctor finishes tapping.

				DOCTOR
		Roll up your sleeve. I'm gonna take your blood 
		pressure.

Sidney rolls up his sleeve and sits.

				SIDNEY
		Well, is it gonna hurt me, Doctor?

				DOCTOR
		No, it won't hurt you a bit.

Doctor straps the cuff to Sidney's arm.

				SIDNEY
		You know, you know, that's what my dentist 
		tells me -- won't hurt me a bit. I don't like 
		that business.

				DOCTOR
		Never mind. Now, don't worry...

				SIDNEY
		Oh, Doc! I'm afraid to look! The blood pressure!

				DOCTOR
		Now, it's all right.

				SIDNEY
		I'll close my eyes so I don't know what you're 
		doing.

				DOCTOR
		That's right. Quiet, quiet.

As the Doctor pumps up the cuff, we hear: HONK HONK HONK HONK -- The Doctor 
fails to see Sidney gesture to the Nurse sitting nearby and flirting silently 
with her, rolling his eyes and grinning. 

				DOCTOR
		Lord, what a blood pressure. Hundred and sixty, 
		hundred and eighty, hundred and ninety, two 
		hundred, two ten-- What makes your blood 
		pressure so high?

				SIDNEY
		Two reasons, Doctor.

				DOCTOR
		Well, what are they?

				SIDNEY
			(points to the Nurse's 
			pretty legs)
		There they are.

				DOCTOR
		Now, never mind about her dress. She's in style.

				SIDNEY
		No, she's not. Not if she's wearing short 
		dresses. You know, the women are wearing long 
		ones now.

				DOCTOR
		Oh, some of them are, yes.

Sidney rises and puts on his jacket.

				SIDNEY
		Yes and most of them, most of them-- In fact, 
		Doctor, uh, there's been quite a controversy. 
		Listen:

MUSIC in as Sidney sings a goofy pop song called "Now That the Girls are 
Wearing Long Dresses":

				SIDNEY
			(sings the verse)
		Women are debating, some claim it's a shame
		To wear any skirts that are long
			(sits)
		Others say it's wonderful to wear them again
		Those bathing suit dresses were wrong
		But the men cry, "Paris, you're right -- and how! --
		For bringing back the old style now!"
			(sings the chorus)
		For now that the girls are wearing long dresses
		Men will keep their minds on their work

		You know, a guy can't work in an office, you know
		And have two things distracting him so

		Now you can bet that Wifey won't worry
		Whom Hubby hires in his place

		A well-built baby won't like it but then
		The bow-legged girl is in her glory again

		For now that the girls are wearing long dresses
		We look 'em straight in the face

Sidney rises to dance and sing the second chorus:

				SIDNEY
			(sings)
		Now that the girls are wearing long dresses
		Men will throw their glasses away

		Why we wore glasses the reason is plain
		Our eyes were under a terrible strain

		And musical plays will do a big business
		And I'm glad for Flo Ziegfeld's sake

		For instance:
		Why should men pay four forty a seat
		When they got a free show every day on the street?

		Now that the girls are wearing long dresses
		We look 'em straight in the face

The song ends. Doctor and Nurse applaud.

				DOCTOR
		That's very good.

				SIDNEY
		Thank you, Doctor.

Sidney shakes the Doctor's hand and sits.

				DOCTOR
		I enjoyed it very much. Uh, sing me another one.

				SIDNEY
		No, I can't. The minute I sing one song and get 
		excited, I get awful headaches. In fact, I 
		suffer with headaches all the time.

				DOCTOR
			(sympathetically)
		Awwww.

				SIDNEY
		I've got one now.

				DOCTOR
		You have, eh?

				SIDNEY
		Yes.

				DOCTOR
		Well, why don't you do what I do when I have a 
		headache?

				SIDNEY
		What do you do, Doctor?

				DOCTOR
		Well, I-- If I have a headache, I go home. My 
		wife meets me at the door ...

				SIDNEY
		Mm hmm.

				DOCTOR
		She takes me into the parlor.

				SIDNEY
		Yes?

				DOCTOR
		I sit on her lap.

				SIDNEY
		Oh.

				DOCTOR
		She puts her arms around me.

				SIDNEY
		Ohhh.

				DOCTOR
		We cuddle up.

				SIDNEY
		Yes?

				DOCTOR
		And she kisses me. 
			(snaps his fingers) 
		The headache disappears.

				SIDNEY
		What time will your wife be home?

				DOCTOR
		Eh?!

Sidney jumps up and backs away apologetically.

				SIDNEY
		I shouldn't have said that. I'm sorry, Doctor.

Doctor rises and approaches Sidney.

				DOCTOR
		Did anyone ever take your reflexes?

				SIDNEY
		Oh, I don't think you should ask me such a 
		question, Doctor.

				DOCTOR
		Get up there on that table.

Doctor lifts Sidney onto a table.

				SIDNEY
			(nervously)
		What are you gonna do?

				DOCTOR
		Cross your legs.

				SIDNEY
		Yes?

Sidney crosses his legs.

				DOCTOR
		Close your eyes.

				SIDNEY
		Uh huh.

Sidney closes his eyes.

				DOCTOR
		Doctor won't hurt you.

				SIDNEY
		Yes?

Doctor pulls a wooden rod from under the table and WHACKS Sidney on the knee 
with it. Sidney slowly gets off the table, whining in pain, takes his hat off 
the stand and puts it on his head.

				SIDNEY
		Oooooooh, Doctor! You shouldn't have done that! 
		Oh, you fooled me! 

Doctor watches with a grin as Sidney, using the hat stand as a crutch, limps 
painfully out of the office, whining as he exits.

				SIDNEY
		I thought you were gonna do something nice! And 
		now you hit me right in the leg! You shouldn't 
		do that, Doctor!

					FADE OUT

MUSIC OVER END TITLE

Cast:
SIDNEY ... Eddie Cantor
DOCTOR ... Charles C. Wilson