The Court Jester Transcription of the movie The Court Jester (1956). Transcribed by Iain O'Cain, February 3rd, 1997. Tyrant King Narrator This is the story of how the destiny of a nation was changed by a birthmark. A royal birthmark on the royal backside of a royal infant child. Here returning to his castle is King Roderick. Roderick the tyrant, who some months before seized the throne by a massacre of the entire royal family. But uneasy lies Roderick's crown, for rumor hath it that an infant, the rightful heir to the thrown had survived the massacre and even now is being cared for by a group in the forest. A group led by an elusive dashing outlaw known only as the Black Fox! [A guard is shot from the trees. The arrow has a note attached to it. A second guard picks it up.] Guard (reading) The child lives! Death to the tyrant! The Black Fox. King Roderick The Black Fox again! To the castle, quick! ------------------------------------------- Child Lives King Roderick My kingdom seething with revolt, cutthroats and assassins in every tree! Why must I be surrounded by fools? Ravenhurst! Ravenhurst! Ravenhurst Sire! King Roderick Could you have been so incompetent, bungled so horribly, as to have permitted that child to live? Ravenhurst Sire, there is no child. My men assure me that none of the royal family escaped alive. Believe me, sire, this is nonsense. King Roderick Nonsense? You call it nonsense, Ravenhurst! Is it nonsense that I cannot ride my own domain without being murderously attacked. My child, I came within an inch of my life. Princess Gwendolyn Oh, father. King Roderick Each day, some new insurrection. Who is this Black Fox? Ravenhurst Oh just some ridiculous adventurer with a handful of rabble. Brockhurst Rabble today but an army tomorrow! We need help to wipe them out. Men and arms! Pertwee Aye, an alliance with our good friend Griswold of the North! Finsdale Aye, alliance, and quickly! He arrives tomorrow for the great tournament. King Roderick Alliance with Griswold... Ravenhurst Sire, this rabble can be crushed. Brockhurst Griswold has men and arms. Ravenhurst We need no uncouth interloper from the north. King Roderick Uncouth, yes, but Griswold is strong. Brockhurst Perhaps too strong. Perhaps our friend Ravenhurst fears an alliance would put Griswold and not himself at the king's right hand! Ravenhurst You shall die for this! Brockhurst One of us will! King Roderick Stop! Stop! Stop, I say! [Ravenhurst disarms Brockhurst] King Roderick Put up your sword, you fool. Ravenhurst Sire! King Roderick Silence! Ravenhurst But sire! King Roderick Silence! Brockhurst Your pardon, sire. King Roderick And you, too. Must we quarrel amongst ourselves? Do you think I could make alliance? Griswold is rich. What could I offer him? Brockhurst That which he desires most in the world. Marriage, sire. With your daughter, the fair Gwendolyn. Princess Marriage with Griswold? Never! King Roderick What's that you say? Princess He's a brute and a lout! King Roderick Brute or not, lout or not, if I so decide, you'll marry Griswold. Princess I will not. King Roderick I am the king. If it pleases me, you will marry Griswold. Princess If it pleases you so much, you marry Griswold. When I marry, I marry for love. Someone dashing and romantic, who will carry me off as a princess should be carried off! King Roderick (interrupting) Who fills your head with this childish fiddle faddle. ah, I know... Griselda. She of the evil eye. Take the witch out and burn her! Princess Harm one hair of her head and I throw myself from the highest turret. King Roderick Gwendolyn, you go too far! [Trumpets sound] Messenger Dire news, sire! I've just come from the forest. The child lives! King Roderick The child lives?! Messenger Aye, sire. King Roderick How know you that this is the royal child and not some outrageous impostor? Messenger Because sire, disguised as a member of their group, I saw him. And I can assure you that like his royal ancestors, and on the same spot as his royal ancestors, he bears the royal birthmark. King Roderick The... purple pimpernel? Messenger The purple pimpernel. King Roderick Oh... Then why stand you here, you incompetent JACKALINGS(?)? To horse! To the forest! Cut them down! Kill the infamous child who claims to be the rightful king. And destroy forever this traitorous fiend who calls himself the Black Fox! ------------------------------------------- Outfox the Fox (Apparently the Fox) Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha! (sings) Only the sharpest eye, the keenest nose, the quickest ear and fleetest toes can ever outfox the fox! (They'll never outfox the fox!) [Etc.] [Skipping song] Black Fox Hawkins! Hawkins! Come here! Hawkins (falls) Dwarf 1 Are you all right, Hawkins? Dwarf...n Hawkins, are you all right? [Etc.] Black Fox Come here! Hawkins Sir. Black Fox Hawkins, how many times have I told you to stay out of my clothes? And who are these little people? Hawkins Oh, these are my friends, sir. They used to work with me at the carnival. They're the finest troupe of acrobats and tumblers in all of England. Black Fox But why did you bring them here? Hawkins Well they too would be part of our group, sir. They feel strongly as we do about the tyranny and would join in our worthy cause. [Secret whistle from off screen] Jean Sir. Black Fox Well, captain? Jean The new recruits are arriving, sir. Black Fox Hawkins, I don't mean to be disparaging to your little friends, but weapons are limited and... Hawkins Oh oh oh, I didn't intend for them to fight, sir, I I merely thought that they would take over my chores of entertaining the men. Then perhaps I'd be free to bear arms myself, sir, and come to grips with the enemy. Face to face and steel to steel. Fist to fist, sir. Black Fox Hmph. Little friends, I'm sorry, but food and weapons are limited so you see, uh... Dwarf 1 (interrupting) We'll do anything for Hawkins, sir. He always was our friend. Black Fox I'm sorry, there's no time to discuss it. Please go quickly and without detection. Dwarf 1 Well, if you ever need us, call us! Black Fox I shall. Dwarf 2...n Bye Hawkins! Black Fox Hawkins! The recruits will be here in a moment. Get the child. Hawkins Child... er... I hate to keep mentioning this, sir... Black Fox Just get the child! Hawkins Well, sir, you know I'd do anything for his majesty, but don't you think it look better if a woman were... Black Fox (interrupting) Tend to your duty! And get out of my clothes! Hawkins Yessir. ------------------------------------------- Birthmark [Hawkins flashes baby's butt to recruits] Recruit 1 (kneeling) Majesty! Recruit 2 Your majesty! Recruit 3 Your majesty! Recruit 4...n Your majesty! Hawkins (continuing) Sir. Don't you think it really would, look better if this kind of thing were done by a woman? Black Fox I've told you repeatedly, Hawkins. Each one serves as best he can. Hawkins I know, sir, but when I ran away from the carnival, sir, and joined your group, I thought I'd be in the thick of it. Robbing the rich and giving to the poor. [Secret whistle] Man with pigeon Sir! Our presence is known. The king's men are on their way! Black Fox We must disperse! Maid Jean. Jean Yes, sir. Black Fox You will see that the child is transported to the abbey in Dover. Jean The usual method? Black Fox The usual method. Jean Come, Hawkins. Hawkins Yes, captain. ------------------------------------------- Touches Jean Hawkins, hurry! Hawkins I'm putting the last touches on, right now. Jean Don't just stand there, man! Make haste! Hawkins There. Jean Why do you stare? Hawkins I... Beg pardon, captain, but, I'm... I'm sorry, captain, but I didn't mean to stare. Each time I see you as a woman, sir, I mean with your flowing hair... Jean Conceal the child! Quickly! Hawkins Yes, captain. ------------------------------------------- Men Jean The king's men. you know what to do, Hawkins. Hawkins Yes, captain. I'll try. (coughs) Guard Captain Ho there! Hold I say! Come down old man, we would talk to you. You too, wench. Hawkins What's that? Guard Captain Hurry along, this is king's business! Hawkins What's the meaning of this? Guard Captain Come on! Hawkins W...what's the meaning of this? What do you want of us? Guard Captain Where go you, ancient one? Who are you? Hawkins What's that? Guard Captain Who are you? Hawkins What's... what's that? Guard Captain (shouts louder) Who ARE YOU? Hawkins Fine, thank you. Guard Captain No! No, no. WHO? Hawkins Who! Who, who. Who. (cough, cough) who. (Cough) I am Foltzingdale uh the wine merchant (cough), and this is my little granddaughter. Uh poor child, she's a mute, uh she neither speaks nor hears except through my fingers. (Fingers to her mouth) Child, the... No, no, here (her fingers to his mouth) child, (cough) these (cough) these are the king's men. Men of the king! Jean (Signs for a while) Hawkins Eh she says long live the king and down with his (bad coughing spell, she pounds his back) long live the kind and down with his (choke, cough) long (coughing) little harder, dear (coughing) long live the king and down with his (coughing) not quite so hard... (Wheeze) long live the king and down with his enemies. Guard Captain Enough! Have you seen a group in the forest with a child? Hawkins Uh what's that? What? What? Guard Captain A child! A child! Hawkins A child. Child. Oh! Lovely child, pretty little creature, isn't it? (Scolding) but you stay away from her! Guard Captain No, no no no, a child! (Gestures) So big! Uh with a little mark on... Hawkins (shouted interruption) You do and I'll break every bone in your body! (coughing) Guard Captain (Sighs) Ask the... Ask the girl if she's seen a group in the forest. Hawkins Uh what's that? what? Guard Captain Ask the girl if she's seen a group in the forest. Hawkins Eh why didn't I what? Guard Captain (shouting) Ask THE GIRL IF SHE'S SEEN A GROUP IN THE FOREST! Hawkins No need to holler, sir, I hear very well indeed! Guard Captain Well ASK HER! Hawkins Ask her what? Guard Captain If SHE'S SEEN A GROUP IN THE FOREST? Hawkins Uh y-yes... (Her fingers to his lips) child, have you seen a group in the forest? Jean (Signs for a while) Hawkins Eh she says no. Guard Captain What took her so long? Hawkins Stutters. Guard Captain Tah, we waste time with these dolts. Off with you! ------------------------------------------- Brewing [riding wine cart] Baby (squawks) Hawkins (checking baby) Oh, he's quite all right. Jean You were excellent, Hawkins Hawkins You too, captain. We played our parts extremely well, I thought. You know, we should spend a lot more time together. Uh, for rehearsal, I mean. Jean (looks up after thunderclap) There's a storm brewing. We'll spend the night in the woodman's hut. Hawkins Yes, captain. ------------------------------------------- Hut Hawkins (holding baby) (Comforting noises, "de-de-de-de-de") (sings . . . ) loo loo loo I'll take you dreaming through the rainy night to a place behind the raindrops where the stars are bright you may not find gold or silver but a richer prize waits for you behind the raindrops if you'll close your eyes tonight, tonight when all the world's asleep we will tiptoe home with a wondrous star a star you can always keep and years from now when you go dreaming when you're very old though your crown be rich with rubies diamonds set in gold none will shine as bright as the star we'll find tonight (puts baby to bed) tonight, tonight when all the world's asleep we will find a star that you can always keep Hawkins His majesty's asleep, now. Jean You better get some sleep, too. Over there. Hawkins Uh, there's only room for one... I... I think you'd better take it. Jean We can both lie there. If you get wet and ill, you'll be no use to his majesty at all. Lie down. Hawkins Yes, captain [they lie down] Hawkins Wet. Jean Very. There'd be more room if you raised your arm. The other one. Hawkins Sorry. Jean Hawkins. Hawkins Yes, captain. Jean I'm sorry I... I spoke in the manner I did. I was wrong. Hawkins Y-yes, captain? Jean There's something else I'd like to say. Hawkins Yes? Jean I am a woman. And I do have feelings. Hawkins I... I find it hard to believe that the captain could ever be fond of a man who isn't a fighter. Jean Sometimes tenderness and kindness can also make a man. A very rare man. Hawkins Could the captain... Could the captain ever entertain thoughts of marriage with such a man? Jean Yes, Hawkins. I think she could, and would. If things were different. Hawkins How di-different? Jean The infant on the throne and... Our fight for freedom won. Hawkins Why does such a little girl have to do such a big job? Jean It's the way I was brought up. My father's influence. You see, my father made me everything I am. Hawkins He does beautiful work. Jean He taught me how to love freedom and hate injustice. The use of weapons and how to fight. In fact, I think he... he really wanted me to be a boy (kisses Hawkins) Hawkins Too bad. You'd've made a wonderful girl. Jean No! We daren't think of ourselves until our fight is won. Hawkins Yes, but that could take twenty years or more. Jean Or twenty hours. If only we could put our plan into operation. Hawkins (kissing Jean) Plan? Do we have a p-plan? Jean A handful of men could overthrow the castle in a matter of hours. Hawkins (still kissing her) Yes. Jean You see, there's a secret passage that starts in the forest and tunnels underneath the walls of the castle. Hawkins (still...) Secret passage. Jean But it's locked at both ends and the key is in the king's possession. Hawkins The king's possession, yeah. Jean If only we could have someone inside the castle; an intimate of the king, with access to his chambers. Hawkins Mm-hmm, with access to his chambers. But, but that's impossible. Giacomo Ah, good evening! A thousand apologies for this uh intrusion, but may I beg shelter and warmth from this miserable storm? Jean Who are you? Giacomo A stranger in this land, young woman, but not for long. I'm Giacomo of the continent (?), the king's new jester. Jean The court jester. Hawkins Giacomo? Giacomo Giacomo the incomparable! King of jesters, and jester of kings. Jean Well where are you from? Giacomo Most recently the Italian court. But I have entertained in all the courts of Europe and speak a ready wit in their every tongue. Jean Hawkins, we are indeed honored that our humble hut will shelter one will tomorrow be an intimate of the king. Hawkins With access to his chambers. Jean But how will they know you? Are you sure that no one in the castle has ever seen your face? Giacomo Not yet! But I assure you, ere another sun has set, the entire court of England will succumb to the charm, wit, and song of the incomparable Giacomo, king of jesters... (Thud) Jean ...And jester to the king! I'll take the child to the abbey. You must go to the castle at once. Quickly, into his clothes! Hawkins W-what are we going to do about him? Jean I'll notify the fox, he'll be taken care of. Now listen, listen carefully once inside the castle, you must get to the king's chamber, and find the key to the secret passage. Hawkins (undressing Giacomo) Key to the passage. Right. Jean Then you must give it to the one man inside the castle who's our confederate. Hawkins Confederate. You mean we already have somebody inside the castle? One of our own people? Jean You will contact him by whistling our secret call. Hawkins (Whistles) Jean Whistle it, hum it, sing it. Hawkins But I don't understand, if... if we already have somebody inside the castle, why doesn't he get the key? Jean You'll understand when you see him. Now, he'll hear that and identify himself. Hawkins Why can't you just tell me his name? Jean Should they discover you, they might force you to reveal his identity. Hawkins Okay, I'd like to ask you one question After months of pleading for just this kind of action, what makes you think that anybody - anybody could make me reveal the identity of my confederate? Jean Because they'd put you on the rack, crack your every bone, scald you with hot oil, and remove the nails off your fingers with flaming hot pincers. Hawkins I'd... Like to withdraw the question. Jean Hawkins, the future of England depends on this; you cannot fail. Hawkins I will not. Jean Oh heaven help you. (They kiss) now remember From this moment on, you're no longer Hubert Hawkins the carnival entertainer; you're the incomparable Giacomo, king of jesters and jester to the king. Hawkins Jester to the king. Jester to the king. To the king!? ------------------------------------------- Planned King Roderick The child escapes. You hear that, Ravenhurst? The child escapes. Gwendolyn, dear, do stop picking that thing. The revolt spreads. Brockhurst here says alliance with Griswold, Finsdale says alliance, Pertwee says alliance, and yet you, Ravenhurst, you of all my ministers.... Ravenhurst Sire. If my lords Brockhurst, Finsdale, and Pertwee plead so strongly for alliance, then by all means let us have such alliance. A marriage between Sir Griswold and the princess Gwendolyn. King Roderick You are quite right. Princess Never! Never marriage with Griswold! King Roderick Be sensible. Princess Sensible! I've seen this monster, and it's not for nothing he's called the grim and gruesome grisly Griswold. King Roderick Grim, grisly or gruesome, you'll marry Griswold! Princess I'll die first. King Roderick Go to your chambers! Good, it is done. Arrange for the wedding directly after the tournament. We'll make a show of this. You there! Go hence. Scour the countryside. Bring in the fairest wenches in the land. Mind you see that they are the fairest. Wenches, laughter, song, that's what this court needs! Ravenhurst Indeed, sire! And the good Giacomo will provide it. King Roderick Giacomo? Who is Giacomo? Ravenhurst He's the new jester I've sent for. By reputation the gayest and wittiest entertainer in Europe. King Roderick Splendid! Ha ha! What a festival this will be. Jousting by our boldest knights. Wenches at our beck and call. My daughter married to Griswold, who will take her to a castle up north. WAY up north! (Laughs, as do ministers) But ("me"?) gentle lords, you make me very happy. Lackey to Ravenhurst They have won. Ravenhurst For the moment, yes. The king is guided by the last voice he hears, and that voice shall be mine. Giacomo will see to that. Lackey Giacomo? A mere jester? Ravenhurst With one special talent for which my agent has bargained dearly. In addition to his brilliance as an entertainer, the jester Giacomo also happens to be the world's most skillful, devious, and subtle master of the art of assassination. ------------------------------------------- Narrator So as Hawkins becomes the incomparable Giacomo and heads for the castle, while the maid Jean with the infant king still hidden in the wine cask journeys towards the abbey and safety for the child. Their plan seems simple enough, but the simplest plans so often go amiss. For at the very moment Hawkins was delayed on the road, the maid Jean was to run afoul of the king's men, who were scouring the countryside for the fairest wenches in the land. And so Jean and the precious wine cart were taken to the castle before Hawkins had even finished repairing his wheel. ------------------------------------------- for Giacomo Guard Captain Ho there! Hawkins What's that? Guard Captain Welcome Giacomo! We have come to escort you to the castle, w-- haven't we met before? Hawkins Ah... it's not very likely, my good man, you see, I'm on my way back from the Italian court. Guard Captain How speak you the king's English with no trace of accent? Hawkins Ah my dear sir, Giacomo is a master of many many tongues indeed. French (mixed with vowely gibberish) Je le parle le fleur ce magnifique (throws kiss with both hands), Italian (More vowely gibberish, clasps hands, kisses fingertips), German Was haben Sie ausgehšbn in das Kneibinbabn? Das Schmerz . . . (angry gibberish and pointing), which means in any language, why tarry? Let us off to the castle! Guard Captain Off to the castle! Hawkins Off to the castle. (Stumbles) To the castle. ------------------------------------------- Arrives [Jean rides into courtyard in a cart full of wenches, whistling secret signal] Jean Quick! The infant! Ostler The infant? Where? Random guard Off of the main! Off of the main! Jean The child is in the cask. Ostler In the cask? Jean You must take him to the jester. Ostler But the jester hasn't arrived, yet. Jean Something must have gone wrong. I'll have to get the key myself. Ostler But how? Jean I don't... Random guard (interrupts) Come along there, wench! ------------------------------------------- This Is Giacomo Hawkins (sings) My heart knows a lovely song . . . Ravenhurst So this is the incomparable Giacomo. He looks not at all like what I expected. Lackey And this singing peacock will still the voices of Brockhurst, Finsdale, and Pertwee? Ravenhurst Before midnight, if he fulfills his bargain. ------------------------------------------- Comes Whistling Griselda You sent for me, m'lady? Princess Lock it. Griselda What is it, child? Something wrong, m'lady? Princess Drink! A brew of your own concocting. Before I marry Griswold, I will die, and so will you. Drink! Griselda No! Don't despair, child. You will not marry Griswold. I've told you. It was written in the stars. Your true love will come yet, I promise you! Princess Drink! You lie. Griselda Would I lie to you, child? Your own Griselda? Look at me! Look in my eyes! Princess Try not your wiles on me, Witch! Too often have I seen people look in those eyes and fall under your evil spell. You will die for your deceit! Filling my head with fairy stories of a romantic lover. A lover who would carry me away from this monstrous castle! Griselda And so he shall! He comes, even now! Princess You lie! Griselda No, I swear it, your highness, look! Princess If this be another one of your tricks... Griselda Trust me, look. Look, near the drawbridge. Princess King of jesters, jester of kings. He is most fair of countenance. Griselda Oh yes he is! Princess Handsome of bearing. Griselda Like Apollo of the Greeks! Princess A figure of romance. Griselda Sent by the gods, and for you alone! Princess Now mark this, creature of evil If this be not my true love, and I am faced with marriage to Griswold, you will die, and by my hand. Griselda Fear not, m'lady, your lover will be here, in this room, within the hour. And he will prove that his is a mission of love. Princess For your sake, dear Griselda, he had better. ------------------------------------------- Arrives Hawkins (singing): I am Giacomo, Giacomo, my fame before me rings -- a king of jesters, and jester of kings! my heart knows a lovely song -- heh heh (whistles secret signal) it whistles it all day long (whistles) Giacomo is my nom de plume, I whistle and hum but I hum to whom? To whom do I hum, to whom? (whistles, hums, whistles) my song of love let the whole world hear until that sweet moment, that moment when you appear i'll whisper it in your ear (whistles, blows air) Ostler (Whistles secret signal) Hawkins (Sees Ravenhurst instead) Ravenhurst I bid you welcome! I am Ravenhurst. Hawkins Ravenhurst (laughs) Ravenhurst? Uh the real Ravenhurst? Ravenhurst What? Hawkins Does the king know? I mean does the king know about your being the real Ravenhurst? Ravenhurst Keep your jests for the king. Don't stand there gaping! You, Fergus and the others, get the jester's bags! You arrived not a moment too soon. Hawkins When do we start? Ravenhurst Tonight. Hawkins Good. I'd like to get in, get on with it, get it over with, and get out. Get it? Ravenhurst Got it. Hawkins Good. Ostler That was an interesting song you sing. Hawkins Thank you, I'm glad you liked it, old man. Ostler Did it go like this? (whistles) Ravenhurst: (hits Ostler) Ostle about your business! What is the first step? Hawkins Get me to the king's chambers. Ravenhurst The king's chambers? Hawkins Yes... Ravenhurst Very well, if you say so. Hawkins It may be the KEY to the whole plan, get it? Ravenhurst Got it. Hawkins Good. King Roderick Yes, yes, I'll take Griswold's emissaries, but for the moment there are other matters... I understand the wenches have arrived. Where are they? What have we here? Ravenhurst Uh, Sire, may I present the incomparable Giacomo. Hawkins Uh, king of jesters, and jester of kings. King Roderick Oh, yes! From Italy. I haven't been there for years. Tell me, how go things at the Italian court? Hawkins Ah very well indeed, sire. King Roderick Splendid, splendid. what about all those stories we've heard? Wasn't it awful about the Duchess of Urber (?)? Hawkins Oh, just. Uh, just awful, sire. King Roderick I ask you, how could a thing like that happen? Hawkins Well, sire, you know the Italian court; what better place to court Italians? King Roderick Italian court? Court Italians! (laughs) Hawkins (laughs) King Roderick Ah, Ravenhurst, the fellow has wit! (laughs) Ah, I must admit, I was shocked to hear about the Duchess. What did the Duke do? Hawkins Pardon? King Roderick The Duke. What did the Duke do? Hawkins Eh... the Duke do? King Roderick Yes. And what about the Douge (?)? Hawkins Oh, the Douge! King Roderick Eh. Well what did the Douge do? Hawkins The Douge do? King Roderick Yes, the Douge do. Hawkins Well, uh, the Douge did what the Douge does. Eh, uh, when the Douge does his duty to the Duke, that is. King Roderick What? What's that? Hawkins Oh, it's very simple, sire. When the Douge did his duty and the Duke didn't, that's when the Duchess did the dirt(?) to the Duke with the Douge. King Roderick Who did what to what? Hawkins Oh, they all did, sire. There they were in the dark; the Duke with his dagger, the Douge with his dart, Duchess with her dirk. King Roderick Duchess with her dirk? Hawkins Yes! The Duchess dove at the Duke just when the Duke dove at the Douge. Now the Duke ducked, the Douge dodged, and the Duchess didn't. So the Duke got the Duchess, the Duchess got the Douge, and the Douge got the Duke! King Roderick Curious. I... I... hm? What? What's that? All I heard was that the Duchess had a siege of rheumatism. She's 83, you know. Hawkins Oh, come next summer, sire. King Roderick So's the Duke. Hawkins So's the Duke. Remarkable, those Italians, what? (laughs) King Roderick (Laughs) Made the whole thing up, didn't you? Ho ha. Very witty, very clever. Just what this court needs Laughter, gaiety, songs, wenches... ohhh, yes Roderick & Hawkins together Wenches... King Roderick I'm just on my way to inspect the lot of them. Who knows, I may find some luscious... Ravenhurst (interrupts) Oh, sire. If I may suggest, it ill befits the propriety of your high office to be seen with these unkempt wenches. King Roderick Wha...? Ravenhurst It is said the incomparable Giacomo has a discerning eye for beauty. Eh, why not let him select a suitable companion for your majesty? King Roderick Excellent! Excellent! I trust the jester's reputation is based on many years of accomplishment? Hawkins Why do you think they call me incomparable, sire? Get it? King Roderick Got it. Hawkins Good. (snickers with Roderick) King Roderick Bring her to my chambers. Within the hour? Hawkins Within the hour. Ravenhurst Finish with the king and come to my chambers. Hawkins Within the hour. Ostler Eh, about that song, sir... Hawkins Some other time, my good man. Ravenhurst Yes, Fergus, get on with your work! (To Hawkins) The good captain will escort you to your quarters. Hawkins Very well. Guard Captain Are you sure we haven't met before? Hawkins Quite sure. (To Ravenhurst) Within the hour. Lackey Your Giacomo seems more the fool than the assassin. Ravenhurst Or perchance a brilliant combination of both. Lackey We shall see. ------------------------------------------- Hawkins (Singing) I'm Giacomo, Giacomo, my fame before me rings, king of jesters, and jester of kings! (squawks) What are you doing here? Ostler I'm Fergus, the Ostler. Hawkins Whobis the whatsler? Ostler Fergus the Ostler. It is I, not Ravenhurst who is your friend. Hawkins Look, my good man, you pick your friends and I shall pick mine. At the moment, I have a very important mission with the king. After all, I'm the incomparable Giacomo, king of jesters and jester of kings. I have entertained in all the courts of Europe and speak a ready wit in their every tongue. Uh who are you? Griselda I am Griselda? Hawkins Gruhwhoolda? Griselda Griselda. I bring you a message from the princess. Hawkins Uh, the royal princess? Griselda She finds you most attractive and would like to meet you. Hawkins M-m-me? Griselda Yes. She finds you passing fair, passing graceful. Hawkins Oh, uh, tell her thank you very much but I'm (ahem) just passing through. Griselda One does not ordinarily refuse princesses... Hawkins Well, one doesn't ordinarily, but you see... Griselda Is it possible there's someone else of whom you are fond? Hawkins Uh y-yes, as a matter of fact there is. Griselda Giacomo, would you look in my eye? Hawkins Eye? Griselda Yes, it's been troubling me, and I thought that the great Giacomo would have a knowledge of science. Hawkins Eh s-science. Well, yes, as a matter of fact I have a great deal of scientific knowledge. We have b-b-which eye? Griselda Both. Look at them both. Closer, closer. Deeper, deeper. Deeper, deeper. Tails of lizards, ears of swine, chicken gizzards soaked in brine, now thine eyes and mine entwine, thy will is broken, thou art MINE! Repeat after me I am craven and thou art my master! Hawkins I am craven and thou art my master! Griselda Stand there, fool. (?) Hawkins Stand there, fool. (?) Griselda Silence! Hawkins Silence! Griselda You are in my power and will obey my every command. Hawkins Every command... Griselda And remember, any time I choose, a mere snap of my fingers can bring you out of the spell like this! (snaps) Hawkins Oo! Griselda And back like that (snaps)! Do you understand, fool? Hawkins Yes, master. You can snap me in and snap me out. Griselda Now, listen closely. First and foremost, you must convince the girl that this is a miracle, that you have been sent here by the gods. To do that, you must go to her room and make love! Go and make love to the princess! Hawkins The princess... Griselda At once! WAIT! Not like that! You are a figure of romance; of spirit and action, but at the same time humble and tender. You are a man of iron with the soul of a poet. You are adventurous, gay, but with a lovers brooding melancholy, and above all, you must show passion! Hawkins Hm? Griselda Show passion! Hawkins (Growls and passionately attacks Witch) Griselda Not me, you fool! Now go. Make love. Climb the vine to the tower where your love awaits you! Stop! Above all, remember you must be cavalier, dashing! Hawkins Fear not, master! Once I'm up the thorny vine, the regal maiden shall be mine. (hits door frame) Oop! Fear not, master! ------------------------------------------- Little Goose [Jean sneaks into king's chamber, steals key] Jean Hawkins! You got here! Hawkins Well of course I got here, my silly little goose! Jean Thank heaven. Hawkins Ah-cha-cha, you'll have to wait your turn like the others! Jean Good, good, you're doing it well. But have you heard the change of plan? Here, take this. Hawkins I just told you, dear, you'll just have to wait your turn. Jean Now don't overdo it. Fergus will bring you the infant. Hawkins Huh? King Roderick Well, well, Giacomo. Successful so soon? Truly as dainty a dish as ever was set before a king. About your business, I would have a word with the maid. Hawkins Your majesty. Oop! Ha ha. King Roderick What is your name, child? Jean Jean, sire. King Roderick Jean. Lovely name. For a lovely face. See that she is jeweled and gowned. She shall sit next to me at the banquet, tonight. ------------------------------------------- Manner of Man Princess You! You've come! Hawkins At your service, m'lady. Princess So this is Giacomo! King of jesters and jester of kings. Hawkins Not today, m'lady. Today I am Giacomo, a lover of beauty, and a beauty of a lover. Princess Can this be true? Or is it merely a dream? Hawkins Dream? Is this a dream? Or this? Or this? Or this? Or this? Or or this? Princess No, no, no, we are strangers, hardly met. What manner of man are you, Giacomo? Hawkins What manner of man is Giacomo? Ha ha! I shall tell you what manner of man is he. He lives for a sigh, he dies for a kiss, he lusts for the laugh, ha! He never walks when he can leap! he never flees when he can fight (thud) oop! He swoons at the beauty of a rose. And I offer myself to you, all of me. My heart. My lips. My legs. My calves. Do what you will -- my love endures. Beat me. Kick me. (kiss, kiss) I am yours. Princess Oh, Giacomo, you are so ardent! Hawkins With your permission, m'lady, I'd like to go 'round again. Princess Oh, no, Giacomo, we must be discreet. Hawkins Ha! Discretion is for fools and simpletons! (kisses her) Princess This cannot be! Miracles are things of fancy, and lovers are not sent by the gods. Hawkins Speak not too lightly, my love. Who are we to say nay to miracles? Princess But one doesn't find love in one moment, one kiss... that key? Where did you find it? Hawkins Key? Princess It is a miracle! The gods who sent you have also provided a means for our escape. This is the key to the secret passageway. Hawkins Grand. We leave at midnight. Get it? Princess Got it. Hawkins Good. Very good. Princess Oh no, no, my precious, I'll keep it next to my heart; a sweet symbol of your love. And take this, a sweet symbol of mine. Hawkins I'll wear it always next to my heart. King Roderick (knocking) Gwendolyn? Hawkins Hm? King Roderick Are you there? I would have words with you? Princess You must hide! Hawkins Hide?! Giacomo hides for no man! Princess But you must! He'd kill any man found in my chambers. King Roderick (Knocking) Gwendolyn? Hawkins Ah, be he king or peasant, my ready blade will find its mark! I'll... I'll... (struggles with knife) I... I... I live for a sigh, I die for a laugh, I lust for a laugh, ha ha! Princess Please! Hawkins What? Princess Or our lives aren't worth that! (snaps) Hawkins What? Eh, eh? Eh? King Roderick Are you alone, my dear? I thought I heard voices. Princess Yes, I'm quite alone, father. Hawkins (Hiding) The king! King Roderick Listen, my child. I've just met Griswold's emissary, and the marriage is approved. Princess You know very well, father, that when I marry, I marry only for love. King Roderick Heh, heh, I knew you'd say that. Now, Gwendolyn, do be reasonable. Don't you realize that without this alliance, our prestige, our power, our position could go like that! (snaps) Princess Well, then let it go like that! (snaps) King Roderick I wish you to marry Griswold. Princess And suppose I do not wish (snaps) to marry Griswold? King Roderick I don't give a fig (snaps) for your wishes! Princess And I don't give a fig (snaps) for yours! King Roderick No one snaps at the king! (snaps) Don't you dare snap at me! Princess I'll snap (snaps) if I choose! King Roderick Don't snap at me! Princess I will snap! (snap) King Roderick You won't! Now understand this, my child This castle has walls high and strong, with massive gates under lock and key. Whilst you remain within those walls and I am king, you will obey my command. Princess Very well, father. Perhaps I have been selfish and thoughtless. King Roderick Oh, my child. I knew I could depend upon you. Because you are a princess. A true princess. Loyal to the crown. Sympathetic. Sensitive. Faithful (key falls). The key to the secret passage! Princess Father, let me have it... King Roderick So, run away, would you! Well, you trick me not. This key will never leave my person. You will marry Griswold upon the morrow, and I promise you, daughter or not, princess or not, one move, one false move, and your neck will snap (snaps) like a twig! (slams door) Hawkins Where is he?! Giacomo hides not behind drapes! Princess No no no no, you must go! Hawkins I'll cut him to ribbons. Princess No, we'll escape tonight after the banquet. Hawkins Very well, my sweet. Until tonight. Very good. Princess Do be cautious, sweet Giacomo! Hawkins Ha! Caution is for popinjays and cockatoos Bird (Squawks) Hawkins Begging your pardon. Until tonight, my sweet. Princess But you heard what my father said. If caught, our necks will snap like twigs (snaps)! Hawkins Eh... uh... like what? Princess Twigs! (snaps) Hawkins Twigs? Speak not of twigs when you look at an oak! Until tonight, my little sapling. ------------------------------------------- the Hour Ravenhurst If Giacomo says he will be here within the hour, he will be here... eh, within the hour! Hawkins At your service, m'lord! Ravenhurst Your arrival, good Giacomo, shows imagination and brilliance. Hawkins Did you expect less? Ravenhurst Are you now prepared to fulfill the bargain arranged by my agent, Sir Burton of Allenburg? Hawkins Quite. Ravenhurst Very well, then. There are two plans. Hawkins Two plans. Ravenhurst Plan one. The untimely demise of my lords Brockhurst, Finsdale, and Pertwee. Hawkins Three for tonight. Proceed. Ravenhurst The method I leave to you. But die they must. Hawkins Heh! They shall drop like flies. Ravenhurst Precisely. (snaps) Like flies. (snaps) Lackey Do you have some sort of twitch? Hawkins Twitch? I twitch only for action. I live for a sigh, I die for a kiss. Ravenhurst I like that very much. Hawkins Thank you. I lust for a laugh. Ha ha! I never leap when I can walk, I never flee when I can fight! Ravenhurst Yes, but, but... Hawkins I... I... pardon? Ravenhurst Listen carefully! If plan one fails, you must execute plan two. Hawkins Plan two? Ravenhurst Take the princess from the castle before midnight. By whatever means you may devise. Hawkins For murder or abduction, I'm your man. You've paid the price; name your plan. Ravenhurst First, plan one. Are you sure you can dispose of my lords Brockhurst, Finsdale, and Pertwee? Hawkins Are they married? Ravenhurst Yes... Hawkins Order flowers for the widows. Get it? Ravenhurst Got it. Hawkins Good. (goes out window) Tally ho! Ho ho! ------------------------------------------- Master, I am Back Hawkins Master, I am back! Griselda Well? Hawkins I have climbed the thorny vine, and the regal maiden is mine. Griselda Good. Now, when I release you from the spell, you will fall into a deep sleep and remember nothing. Hawkins Nothing... Griselda Look into my eye. Deeper, deeper. ------------------------------------------- Costly Pledge Ravenhurst Ah, my lords. I understand the engagement of the princess Gwendolyn to Sir Griswold will be announced tonight. My congratulations. Griselda (Overhears) Brockhurst There is something afoot. He is far too confident. Finsdale If this alliance fails, we are lost. Brockhurst It must not fail. Let us solemnly pledge that we will permit nothing to interfere with the marriage of Griswold to the princess Gwendolyn. Pertwee I so pledge. Finsdale And I. Brockhurst Though it cost our very lives! Finsdale & Pertwee Our very lives. ------------------------------------------- the Jester Ostler (outside) (Whistles) Jean Please, stop your picking and fussing! I must breathe some air! Attendant But madam! Jean All afternoon without a moment's peace! Ostler I just learned of your whereabouts. What happened... Jean Never mind that. You must take the child to the jester. Ostler To the jester! Jean Immediately. He has the key. Ostler But he's under the spell of the... Jean Silence! It is my command. Ostler (Sputters) ------------------------------------------- the Jester King Roderick The jester! Where is the jester? Summon him immediately! Clergyman Very good, sire! (knocks on a door) Jester! Hawkins Coming! Clergyman Come quickly, man! The king is waiting! Hawkins Yes, uh, ha-ha-have you seen Ravenhurst about? Clergyman He's somewhere about, yes. Hawkins Well, I... I was supposed to see Ravenhurst on some rather urgent business, but I fell asleep... I don't quite remember what I... King Roderick Ahh, Giacomo. A striking costume, indeed. From the Italian court, I presume. Hawkins Yes, sire, Italian court. Ah, uh, what better place to, uh... Hawkins & King Roderick ...court Italians. King Roderick Yes. (laughs) Ah, this will be a festive evening. Noble knights to joust at my tournament. Come along. And by my side a lovely little wench who I'm sure will fulfill every promise of your discerning eye. Ah, look at her! Charming. Charming, Giacomo, charming. A tribute to you, my dear Giacomo. Come here, my child. Come. Jean Your majesty. King Roderick Was there ever more beauty? More radiant? Rise, child. The sweetness of your smile outshines the elegance of your gown. Jean Thank you, sire. King Roderick Would you attend me? Jean You are most gracious, sire. Ostler (to Hawkins) Quickly. (gives basket to Hawkins) Use the key. Hawkins Key? Ravenhurst (to Hawkins) Remember, plan one Brockhurst, Finsdale, Pertwee. Hawkins (dazed) Brockhurst, Finsdale, Pertwee. Princess (to Hawkins) Midnight. Horses at the north gate. Hawkins Horses at the north gate... Baby (Cries) King Roderick Summon the jester! Guard Captain Where are you going? Didn't you hear the king? Hawkins Ah, beh, beh... Guard Captain Cover your head! Now get in there! Crowd (laughs) King Roderick Come, come, Giacomo, let us be gay! I would have a song. Hawkins Eh. Song. King Roderick Has the cat your tongue? Hawkins Uh, no, I... King Roderick What do you carry there? Why the basket? Hawkins Beh, basket? (nervous laugh) What basket, sire? King Roderick (Laughs) What basket, indeed! Come, boy, come, show me what you have in the basket. Hawkins Wuh, I can... eh... King Roderick Yes, come on, show me what you have in the basket. Hawkins Eh, beh basket? It-it's... King Roderick Yes, and what about that song? Hawkins S-s-song, sire? Eh beh s-song. (sings) If your majesty doth ask it, I will tell about the basket with a willo willo wailey and a nonny nonny (whistles signal) King Roderick What's that? With a what? Hawkins Uh (sings) with a willo willo wailey and a nonny nonny loo loo loo I'll loo loo loo loo... King Roderick What are you loo-loo-looing about? Hawkins Oh, I'm not loo-loo-looing, sire, I'm willo willo wailing. King Roderick All right, all right, willo away, willo away. Hawkins (Sings) We will willo it away... we'll willo willo willo we will willo it away! with a willo willo wailey, we will sing about it gaily, with a willo willo wailey and a hey! nonny... nooo! King Roderick Come back here! What have you there? What have you in the basket? Hawkins Eh beh basket? Oh, b- sire, it's nothing, sire. Merely a jester's bag of tricks, sire. It's a secret, sire. Y-yes, a deep, dark secret - beh - which has never before been revealed to anybody in the world, sire. But I... I am prepared to make a statement. (sings) I was a lad, I was gloomy and sad as I was from the day I was born! When other babes giggled and gurgled and wiggled I proudly was loudly forlorn! My friends and my family looked at me clammily, thought there was something amiss! When others found various antics hilarious, all I could manage was this! or this! (makes face) or this! (makes face) or this! (mock crying) My father, he shouted He needs to be clouted. His teeth on a wreath I'll hand him! My mother she cried as she rushed to my side You're a brute! and you don't understand him! So they sent for a witch with a terrible twitch to ask how my future impressed her. She took one look at me and cried he... hee hee hee hee -- he? What else could he be but a jester? A jester? A jester? A funny idear a jester! No butcher, no baker, no candlestick maker and me with the look of a fine undertaker impressed her... as a jester? But where could I learn any comical turn that was not in a book on the shelf? No teacher to take me to mold me and make me a merry mad fool or an elf! But I'm proud to recall that in no time at all with no other recourses but my own resources with firm application and determination... I made a fool of myself! I found a bow and arrow and I learned to shoot. I found a little horn and I learned to too. Now I can shoot and too, ain't I cute? (raspberry) (further singing... sight gags...) Griselda: (poisons drinks) (to servant) Tend to your duties! Serve your drinks! Random guard Hold it with that basket. Let's have a look! Hawkins A toast! A toast! A toast to his most royal highness! To Roderick the first, for all that he has done for this great England of ours, may providence provide a true and just reward! To the king! Crowd To the king! King Roderick Brockhurst! Ravenhurst Brilliant. King Roderick Finsdale! Ravenhurst Magnificent! King Roderick Pertwee! Ravenhurst Fantastic! Hawkins Brockhurst... Finsdale... Pertwee... Servant They are all dead, sire! Ravenhurst As you said, flowers for the widows. King Roderick Dead. Murdered. And by whose hand? And who may be next? [trumpets sound] Page Sir Griswold of Mackalwane is approaching the castle! King Roderick And just in time. He comes not a moment too soon. Bid Sir Griswold enter! Ravenhurst Plan two. Hawkins Plan two? Plan two. King Roderick Get those bodies out of here! Jean (Whistles, gives baby to Ostler) Quick, take him to safety. ------------------------------------------- Sir Griswold King Roderick ...And get those goblets away. And... no! Not you, jester, not you. Come here, come here, boy, come here. [trumpets sound] Page Sir Griswold of Mackalwane! King Roderick Approach, Sir Griswold. (whispers) Lighten the mood, jester, a note of (mumbled...). Griswold My liege lord. King Roderick Sir Griswold of Mackalwane, I bid thee welcome. Hawkins Ehh, a-welcome, Sir Griswold, your beard is full of hair, but do I say welcome or do I say mehh! (bleats like a goat or sheep) Griswold Sire. My emissary did report. And I proudly accept your terms. Hawkins (Kicked by Roderick, sings) Eh... th-the terms! the terms! He doth accept the terms. He looks not smart, but in... King Roderick Excellent, excellent! Members of the court, know you that the crown would make a most felicitous announcement concerning the defense and security of our great kingdom, I would have you know that today was an alliance consummated between the crown and our honored and valiant Baron, Sir Griswold of Mackalwane. Hawkins Uh, (sings) the terms! the terms! King Roderick We've already had the terms. Hawkins Sorry. King Roderick To cement this alliance, I have decreed a royal marriage between Sir Griswold of Mackalwane and Gwendolyn the Fair. Hawkins Eh, eh (sings) rejoice! rejoice! Although his brain is brief, for when the larder's empty, she'll have her ton of beef! (laughs) (kicked by Roderick) Would you like to try the other side, sire? (kicked again) Thank you, sire. King Roderick What say our gallant Griswold? Griswold Sire. Princess fair. From this moment on, this hand, this steel, this heart will exist for naught but the love of the lady... Princess (interrupting) Save your breath, Griswold! There will be no alliance and no marriage. King Roderick What's that? Princess I cannot marry Griswold, father. I love another. King Roderick Another? Hawkins (Sings) Another, another... King Roderick What is this nonsense? What do you mean you love another? Princess Simply that, father. A miracle has occurred to fulfill my every dream. I have found my love, father. My true love. King Roderick Who is this man? Princess One to whom I have given my heart and my hand. He who even now wears my silken handkerchief next to his heart. King Roderick What's that? Hawkins What's that? (kicked by Roderick) Ah (sings) Her heart, her hand, she holds for joy or grief, but he who holds her hand holds her heart kerchief. (kicked) eh handkerchief (kicked) eh hand kerheart (kicked repeatedly) heart ke he che ha- hah King Roderick Who is this man? His name! Princess The man I love is a simple man, but noble of heart. My beloved Giacomo! King Roderick What?! Hawkins Uh. (sings) His name, his name, and now his blood must flow. Light up the oil, this man must boil, this man named Giaco- mo? oh! No! King Roderick Seize this wretch and search him! Hawkins Eh... I- I'm- Th-th-this is a little mistake, sire. I don't have her heartkerchief, uh, handkerheart. I don't have th- King Roderick A handkerchief! G! Gwendolyn! Hawkins Uh, n-n-no, sire. Geh-Gee G-G-Giacomo! Princess Shield me not, sweet Giacomo! Our love makes me strong. King Roderick Love for a common jester. Take the swine out and hang him! Princess Harm one hair of that majestic head and I throw myself from the highest turret! Griswold (Shouts) Enough of this! How much insult must I endure? Come, men. King Roderick Hold, Sir Griswold, your honor will be avenged. Griswold How? Were that wretch of noble rank, I would challenge him to combat mortal! But I would not deign to soil my blade with his miserable common blood! Hawkins H-he's right, you know, sire. Rules of chivalry, you know. King Roderick Rules of chivalry be hanged! And so will you. Hawkins She'll jump...! Griswold (Shouts) Come, men. King Roderick Hold, Sir Griswold. You will stay until the morrow. It is my command. Griswold 'till the morrow, sire. King Roderick You, Gwendolyn, to your chambers. Princess Be brave, sweet Giacomo. King Roderick Throw this blackguard in chains! Ravenhurst Is he not fabulous? Go from plan one to plan two without a moment's pause. Lackey The man is pure genius. King Roderick Sir Griswold will never tolerate this insult. M'lords, to your chambers. Ponder this problem. A solution must be found ere we meet in council, tomorrow. Ravenhurst Sire. Ravenhurst Welcome, Sir Burton! ("Umsburtle"?) You saw the jester's performance? Burton Mm. Ravenhurst When I sent you to negotiate for Giacomo, I never expected results like this! Was he not brilliant? Burton Indeed. With one slight discrepancy. This man is not Giacomo! Ravenhurst What?! Burton I know not this pretender, but I assure you he is not the Giacomo I met and negotiated with in Europe! Guard Captain I tell you I've seen this man before, and somehow that maid! Lackey Did I tell you? What plan now? Ravenhurst To my chambers, immediately! ------------------------------------------- the Black Fox Ravenhurst But if he's not Giacomo, who could he be, and what does he want? Why would he do our every bidding? Lackey Why would he work to destroy the alliance? Ravenhurst Why would he murder with the cunning of a fox? A fox. But of course, a fox! A Black Fox! Lackey But you don't think that... Ravenhurst Why not? Who else would oppose Griswold and want the alliance destroyed but that rabble in the forest? Guard Captain The forest. That's where I saw him. Dressed as an old man, riding out of the forest, with the very wench who sat beside the king, tonight! Ravenhurst My lords... what a prize! The Black Fox, himself! Burton Expose him! You'll get all the credit! Ravenhurst Not so fast. Not until the Fox pays us one more service. He'll rid us forever of the barbaric Griswold! Lackey Kill Griswold? But how? Ravenhurst Whose is the deadliest blade in England? Who is the only man alive who can best Griswold in mortal combat? Only the Black Fox! Lackey But the Fox is a commoner and cannot fight in tournament. Ravenhurst We shall see. ------------------------------------------- of Chivalry King Roderick No, Ravenhurst, I do not understand. What do you mean Griswold himself suggested a solution? Ravenhurst You yourself heard him, sire. He said were the jester of noble rank, he would challenge him to mortal combat. King Roderick But the jester cannot fight in tournament! He's a commoner. Ravenhurst Then, sire, knight the jester. King Roderick Knight the jester?! Ravenhurst Griswold can then challenge him for the hand of the princess Gwendolyn, and by the rules of chivalry, she must wed the victor! King Roderick Knight the jester. Sir Griswold will challenge him. He dare not refuse. They meet at the tournament tomorrow. Sir Griswold's lance runs the jester through, and the marriage and the alliance proceed. Yea? Hm. Ha! (laughs) Magnificent! Ravenhurst Thank you, sire. Clergyman But your majesty, knighthood is an arduous ritual! It will take three years to knight the jester. King Roderick Three years? Nonsense! Ravenhurst, take that nincompoop and knight that nincompoop by noon tomorrow! Ravenhurst Sire. ------------------------------------------- that Nincompoop Guard Captain (reads) By order of his sovereign majesty, the jester Giacomo shall enter upon a series of tests of manhood, skill, and courage requisite to his becoming a knight of the realm. Hawkins M-me a knight? But why? Guard Captain To make you eligible for the hand of the princess Gwendolyn. Hawkins M-marry the princess? W-when? Guard Captain Upon your passing each and every test. Hawkins Oh! Well that's different. It takes four or five years to become a knight, doesn't it? Guard Captain We shall see. Let the tests begin! Hawkins Uh, w-wait! What's the hurry? I- b- ch- Guard Captain He must scale a wall in full armor! Hawkins Ahh! Guard Captain Candidate passes! Hawkins Uh, b- buh... I didn't...! Guard Captain With long bow, he must slay a hawk in full flight! He passes! Hawkins But I didn't even shoot... Guard Captain The candidate passes! Hawkins But I didn't even shoot the arrow! The arrow... Hawkins I- I didn't pass...! Guard Captain The candidate must conquer a wild boar with his bare hands! Release the boar! Pig (Squeals) Guard Captain He passes! ------------------------------------------- Scourge Random guard No one enters by the king's command! Jean But this is the king's command. King Roderick Ah, maid Jean. Welcome. What brings you here at this hour? Jean Concern for you, sire. King Roderick Mm? Jean You were so distressed last evening that I thought perhaps I could comfort you, ease the burdens of state. King Roderick (to a page) Eh, don't tug it, idiot! (to Jean) Well that's very considerate of you, dear. I shall take advantage of your delightful offer... perhaps this evening? Jean Why tarry, sire? I am most accomplished on matters of appearance and would gladly free these young men for more important chores elsewhere. King Roderick Well that's very kind of you, but... oh, yes. Pages, I'm sure you have some very important business to attend. Ah... Jean Now, then, sire, we have to get you ready for the ceremony! King Roderick Ah, but my dear... Jean Now there. You can't imagine my feelings when I touch the head of a man who calls himself the king of England! King Roderick Eh, w-w- Jean Who IS the King of England! And very handsome, too, sire. On the day of your first tournament. There you are. King Roderick Where? Jean Now I must go, sire. King Roderick Oh, now wait, dear, wait. Jean Oh, no, you have to get to your ceremony! King Roderick But there's no hurry. We can't start until the jester's been made ready. Jean The jester?! King Roderick Yes, haven't you heard? We're knighting the poor fool. Jean Knighting the jester! King Roderick Yes, you'd never guess why. Jean So that he can marry the princess. King Roderick Well, that's the fool thinks, but the moment I dub him knight, Griswold will challenge him for the hand of my daughter. Jean Mortal combat. King Roderick Yes, isn't it delicious? He dare not refuse, they meet at lists, and Sir Griswold's lance runs the jester through as a fitting climax to a glorious day. Oh, my dear, you are a delicate, lovely creature. Tell me, does it bother you that I may be a few years your senior? Jean Oh, no, sire, not really. In fact, you remind me so much of my dear and recently departed father. King Roderick Oh, your father, yes. Well, was he a handsome figure of a man? Dashing, effective... Jean Oh, yes, sire, 'till the scourge brought about his untimely end. King Roderick Eh, come here, my dear. Jean What a horrible death! King Roderick A little closer... Jean I can see him now, writhing on the floor in agony, like so many of his brothers and cousins and uncles and aunts... King Roderick Yes. Would you grant the king a little kiss? Jean Oh, certainly, sire, and don't worry. They say it isn't catching. King Roderick Oh, you are a little... catching? Jean Just because it runs in the family doesn't mean that everyone has it. Kiss me sire! King Roderick Has it? Has what? Jean Don't I please you, sire? King Roderick Oh, yes, yes, but, eh, these brothers and cousins and uncles... Jean And aunts. Let us not talk about their swollen, twisted, pain ridden bodies. Hold me, take me in your arms, tell me I am yours! King Roderick But this, this uh writhing on the floor... Jean In agony. King Roderick Yes, wh-what's... how does one catch this thing? Jean Oh, the touch of a hand, the brush of a lip... but let us not spoil this moment, sire! Hold me, hold me close! King Roderick W-w-what's this monstrous thing called? Jean Breckenridge's scourge. King Roderick Who's Breckenridge? Jean My father. King Roderick Excuse me, dear, I'm feeling rather poorly. Page (offscreen) Sire, the ceremony is ready. King Roderick Oh, very well. Ah, I must go, now, dear, and so must- so must you. Quickly. Dear... don't touch me. ------------------------------------------- Pigeon Jean (Snaps) Where's the jester? Ostler Did you get the key? Jean Yes, here it is. Ostler It must be sent by pigeon to the Black Fox at once! Jean Let the jester take it and escape. They plan to kill him. Ostler It'd never there in time. The bird's our only chance. ------------------------------------------- Knighthood Master of ceremonies He who approacheth, deem you him worthy of noble knighthood? Crowd Yea, verily, yea! King Roderick How many more before the jester? Clergyman Just this one, sire. MC ...Fealty, loyalty, moisten his lips with the vigorous wine. Crowd Yea, verily, yea! Yea, verily, yea! MC Now as the symbol of honor and dignity, let us beplume him and helmet his brow. Crowd Yea, verily, yea! Yea, verily, yea! Ravenhurst Sire, this storm bodes ill. It might drench the field and delay the tournament. King Roderick Fetch the jester and run him through the ritual as quickly as possible. Clergyman But sure, custom... King Roderick Custom be hanged! Fetch him and run him through! Ravenhurst (Snaps) ------------------------------------------- be Hanged Jean A message for the jester. From the king. Hawkins (Reads "They Knight you only to kill you. Run for your life!") Jean He requests you do this at once. Hawkins At w-once. [chase scene] MC He who approacheth, deem you him ready for noble knighthood. Crowd Yea! Hawkins Y-yea. MC Hath he passed all test of valor? Crowd & Hawkins Yea, verily, yea! MC Now doth he flower with true nobility? Crowd & Hawkins Yea, verily, yea! MC Reveal him now to his sovereign liege. Hawkins Yea, verily, yea! Yea? King Roderick Faster. Ravenhurst Faster. Clergyman Faster. (thumps cane) Hawkins B-but I! MC ...Fealty, loyalty, moisten his lips with the vigorous wine. Now will he pledge to his fealty, loyalty, courage, and vigor and valor and strength! Crowd Yea! MC Now as the symbol of honor and dignity, let us beplume him and helmet his brow. Crowd Yea, verily, yea! Yea, verily, yea! MC He who is girded and plumed and helmeted, let him (drowned out by marching) King Roderick (over Hawkins' objections) Considering the virtuous fidelity you have shown and the honorable exploits that you have done, having given proof of that honor, having given proof of that honor... as is the part of a good and faithful subject, I hereby dub thee knight of the realm, defender of the soil, protector of the crown, and a fit consort for the princess Gwendolyn the fair. Arise, Sir Giacomo. Now, if any knight present objects to this marriage, let him now step forward or forever hold his tongue. Griswold I! I, Griswold of Mackalwane do so object. Hawkins Very good, 'dya hear that, sire? Griswold I too love the princess and would fight for her heart. I hereby challenge in mortal combat Giacomo! Hawkins Hm? Griswold (while striking Hawkins with his glove) Giacomo! Knight of the realm! Defender of the soil! And protector of the crown! Hawkins Woo! Jean (whispers) You won't have to fight, I'll send a message, the Black Fox will come and fight in your place! Hawkins The Black Fox? Jean Get up, accept the challenge! Hawkins Uh... Black Fox, huh? Eh... he'll come and fight in my place? Jean Yes. Hawkins You're sure he'll come? Jean (Nods) Hawkins Well, if it's mortal combat you want, then mortal combat you shall have, and at the hands of Giacomo, knight of the realm, defender of the soil, protector of the crown... protector of the crown! Oo, oh. (giggles) Good stock. Good battle. Good bye! King Roderick Your escorts to see you safely to the lists. Hawkins The the lists? Princess Very clever, father. King Roderick Well, chivalry is chivalry, you know. Princess Yes, I know. King Roderick May the best man win. Princess (to Witch) Remember this -- if he dies, you die. ------------------------------------------- Save England Jean (to Ostler) To the Fox, at once! Ravenhurst We have bigger game. Ravenhurst Get him! Messenger (Secret whistle) (reads) Griswold has challenged the jester to mortal combat. Black Fox The jester! Messenger Yes, the maid Jean requests that you come and fight in his stead. Workman The timbers have fallen and great rocks block the passage! Black Fox Can it be cleared? Workman Impossible! Black Fox With no passage, we can make no diversion, and with no diversion, no attack! Is there any opening? Workman No more than that, sir. Barely enough for a child! Black Fox A child, a child... or perhaps...! My horse! Messenger Where go you? To save Hawkins? Black Fox No, to save England! Messenger Then Hawkins must die! Black Fox Yes. But if my plan succeeds, I assure you, Hubert Hawkins will not have died in vain! ------------------------------------------- of Poison [At the lists] MC By order of his sovereign lord highness, King Roderick the First, this royal tournament is officially begun! Hawkins Where's the Black Fox? What's delayed him? Jean There's rain in the hills, perhaps the river is swollen. Hawkins He'll be taking the coast road. You better have a look. (sees Griswold punch through a shield) Good stock. MC The first contest will be a battle to the death for the hand of the fair Gwendolyn. It will be fought by Sir Griswold of Mackalwane and Sir Giacomo of Italy. These two bold knights will choose weapons and enter upon the field of honor and fight in mortal combat until one of them lies dead. Jean Hawkins, run for your life. Hawkins No, they'd... they'd only catch me and kill me. Jean Can you ever forgive me? Hawkins There's nothing to forgive. Jean Dear Hawkins. Random guard Sir Giacomo! You should be in armor! And you, maid Jean, in the stands. Hawkins If I die, just pray that I die bravely. Griselda You'll not die, you'll not have to fight him. Griswold dies as he drinks the toast. Hawkins What? Griselda Listen. I have put a pellet of poison in one of the vessels. Hawkins Which one? Griselda The one with the figure of a pestle. Hawkins The vessel with the pestle? Griselda Yes. But you don't want the vessel with the pestle, you want the chalice from the palace! Hawkins I-I don't want the vessel with the pestle, I want the chalice from the what? Jean The chalice from the palace! Hawkins Hm? Griselda It's a little crystal chalice with a figure of a palace. Hawkins Th-the chalice from the palace have the pellet with the poison? Griselda No, the pellet with the poison's in the vessel with the pestle. Hawkins Oh, oh, the pestle with the vessel. Jean The vessel with the pestle. Hawkins What about the palace from the chalice? Griselda Not the palace from the chalice! The chalice from the palace! Hawkins Where's the pellet with the poison? Griselda In the vessel with the pestle! Jean Don't you see? The pellet with the poison's in the vessel with the pestle. Griselda The chalice from the palace has the brew that is true! Jean It's so easy, I can say it! Hawkins Well then you fight him! Griselda Listen carefully. The pellet with the poison's in the vessel with the pestle, the chalice from the palace has the brew that is true. Hawkins Where the pellet with the poison's in the vessel with the pestle, the chalice from the palace has the brew that is true. Jean Good man! Griselda Just remember that. Random guard Sir Giacomo! Sir Giacomo, into your armor! And you, to your place in the pavilion. Hawkins The pellet with the poison... the pellet with the poison is in the vessel with the pestle, the chalice from the palace has the true that is brew. Eh... brew that is tru- The pellet with the poison's in the vessel with the pestle, the chalice from the palace has the true that is brew. Eh, eh, brew that is true. Eh. The chestle with the pal- eh, eh, palace with the... Random guard Look out! [lighting strikes armor, magnetizing it] Random guard Hurry, now, get into your armor! Hawkins The pestle with t... the pellet with the poison's in the vessel with the pestle, the palace from the chalice has the brew that is blue. Eh, no... The pellet with the poison's in the vessel with the pestle. The cha- eh, the pellet with the plip... the pellet with the poisle's in the vessel with the plazzle. Eh, the plazzle with the vlessle. Eh, the the bless... The vessel with the plozle is the plazzle with the... Random guard (interrupting) Come along, Sir Giacomo. His majesty is waiting. Hawkins The pestle with the poilet... Random guard And take your helmet! Hawkins (Muttering "pellet with the poison") Thank you. Hawkins The pellet with the poisley's from chalice with the pazley. King Roderick Oh, hello, my dear, it's nice to see y- Hawkins I've got it! I've got it. The pellet with the poison's in the vessel with the pestle, the chalice from the palace has the brew that is true, right? Griselda Right. But there's been a change. They broke the chalice from the palace. Hawkins They broke the chalice from the palace? Griselda And replaced it with a flagon. Hawkins Flagon. Griselda With a figure of a dragon. Hawkins Flagon with a dragon. Griselda Right. Hawkins Did you put the pellet with the poison in the vessel with the pestle? Griselda No! The pellet with the poison's in the flagon with the dragon, the vessel with the pestle has the brew that is true! Hawkins The pellet with the poison's in the flagon with the dragon, the vessel with the pestle has the brew that is true. Griselda Just remember that. Hawkins Yes, thank you very much. The pellet with the chasley, eh... the pellet with the poison is in the pasley with the chazzle. Eh, just remember that. Griswold's Lackey Beware of the drinks. One of them is poisoned. Griswold Poisoned! Are you sure? Griswold's Lackey I heard the witch. Hawkins The poisel with the plesley is the chaz... eh... Griswold The pellet with the poison's in the flagon with the dragon, the pestle with the pizzle... the pizzle with the f- the, the, the viss... Griswold's Lackey No, no, no... Hawkins The pellet with the poisley is the chalice with the... he he (laughs nervously at guards) Griswold's Lackey ...Vessel with the pestle. Griswold The vessel with the pestle has the brew that is true. Griswold's Lackey Right. Don't forget it. Griswold (mutters) The palace with the dragon... no, no, no. MC The knights will approach each other! Crowd (Cheers) Hawkins The pellet with the poisle is in the flaggle with the chalice. Griswold The poison's in the dragon with the pestle. Hawkins Eh, ah, the chazzle is in the poisley with the plellice with the plan- eh, plaglice. Griswold The pellet with the dragon's in the pestle with the poi- Hawkins The pezley with the poisle is... Griswold The dragon with the poisle's in the pestle... Hawkins Pazzle with the fleegle... Griswold (Retrieves helmet magnetically held by his armor) Hawkins The poisley with the plazzle is the plazzle with the ploizle Griswold (Mutters) Hawkins The chalice with the pa... the flagon with the cha... the floizle with the flagon is the chalice with the poison. MC The knights will face the king! Hawkins & Griswold (muttering) (sight gags) MC They will approach the royal pavilion! Hawkins The pellet with the poison's in the flagon with the dragon! Griswold The vessel with the pestle has the brew that is true! Hawkins Oh, no, pglk, you've got the wrong one! King Roderick Stop this mockery! There will be no toast! Put them to horse, let them choose weapons, and fight! Lackey This is the Black Fox? Ravenhurst And still playing the fool. MC Sir Griswold! Declare a choice of weapon! Griswold Mace and chain! MC Sir Giacomo! Declare a choice of weapon. Hawkins I'll take one of those, one of those, eh, a couple of those... and... I better take them all. King Roderick Mace and chain for him, too! MC Charge! Crowd (Laughs) King Roderick Take that horse and put it back under that idiot! Unfasten that perch! (?) MC Charge! Griswold (knock the head off Hawkins' armor) Crowd Ooh! Hawkins (raises head through armor) Crowd (laughs) Hawkins (unhorses Griswold due to magnetized armor) All right, Sir Griswold, prepare to die! Griswold Go ahead, sir knight. Slay me! You won in fair combat. Strike! Let rivers of blood wash away the stain of my disgrace! Go on! Spew the field with my dishonored guts! Hawkins No! No, I cannot slay a man whose only crime is that he loved not too wisely but too well. I grant your life! Take your men, and go! Crowd (Cheers) Guard Captain Fergus is dead. Ravenhurst Did he talk? The child? In the castle? Now listen carefully, there's little time... King Roderick Sir Giacomo, I declare you winner of this combat, and I hereby decree that you shall marry the Princess Gwendolyn. Ravenhurst Hold, sire! Seize this traitor! King Roderick Traitor? What's this? How say you, Ravenhurst? Ravenhurst I say traitor, sire! And I shall prove to you that this man who stands before us is neither Giacomo nor jester but your deadly enemy, the leader of the rabble who have sworn to have your head, the Black Fox himself! King Roderick The Black Fox? Ravenhurst And this demure maid his foul accomplice! King Roderick Ravenhurst, are you mad? Have you proof of this foul treachery? Ravenhurst I have, sire. King Roderick Then repair to the court! Summon the judges! If what you say be true, the headsman's axe will not only rid us of this jabbering popinjay, but will sever this lovely little head from this delicate little neck... oh. To the castle! ------------------------------------------- Along Black Fox Hurry along, little friends. Hurry along! Keep your heads down. Black Fox Come along, there, men! All of you! We'll take the coast road, but stay close to the trees! ------------------------------------------- that Traitor Ravenhurst And I say again, sire! Never, sire, never was there such infamous treason. Not only is this man the Black Fox, but he and his despicable accomplice have the shameful effrontery to shelter in this castle the miserable child they would put on your very throne! King Roderick What's this? What say you, Ravenhurst? Ravenhurst I repeat, sire The child they would put on your throne. King Roderick The child... with the purple pimpernel? Ravenhurst The very same, sire. Bring forth the basket! King Roderick Let me see this fraud, this charlatan. Hurry up, hurry up, bring it here. Ravenhurst In a moment, sire. But first let me hear you pronounce sentence on this unholy pair. I know how anxious you are to dispose of this villainous scum so that you may proceed with the feast and the revelry. Sire, I accuse these impostors of the foulest and most loathsome crime against the crown, and I demand that they be given the full measure of your righteous wrath, and shall be disposed of before another hour is past. I tell you, sire, the headsman's axe is too kind a fate for these foul traitors. They should be put on a spit, and roasted like yon boar! King Roderick Yes, yes, death to both of them. Princess Father, I say Ravenhurst lies. This is Giacomo, king of jesters, and never the Black Fox. Hawkins Nay, fair lady. For once, Ravenhurst is right. I am. I am the Black Fox! (whistles to dwarves, who whisk child and Jean away amidst much commotion) King Roderick Seize that traitor! [fight scene ensues] King Roderick Ravenhurst! Ravenhurst! Do something! Do something! King Roderick Quickly, fetch Griswold! Bring him back! [upstairs] Jean Take him to safety! Jean Arm him (?). I must raise the gate! Jean Lower the gate! Random guard The gate is lowered! Jean No it isn't! Look! (hits guard) ------------------------------------------- Greatest with a Blade [fencing scene] Ravenhurst (Bitten by H) Aah! Princess If he dies, you die. Griselda Tails of lizards, ears of swine, chicken gizzard soaked in brine, on your feet, be not afraid, you're the greatest with a blade! Hawkins Heh heh. (fences) Hey! (fences) Hey! (fences) Hey, hey! (etc.) Play games with the Black Fox, will you? At this very moment, my dear Ravenhurst, your life isn't worth that! (snaps) Oo! Hey! Ravenhurst Now my gallant fox, we'll see whose life isn't worth that! (snaps) Hawkins We shall, indeed! Hey ya! Hawkins (Laughs) With your permission? (pours drink) Ravenhurst Why you swine... Hawkins Your health. Ravenhurst Oo, you... Hawkins And now, Ravenhurst, you rat catcher! Ya! La! La! La, ha ha, ha ha! Ravenhurst Ha ha! Hawkins Well, my dear Ravenhurst, our little game draws to an end. I have toyed with you long enough. You shall die. And die like that! (snaps) Ehh! Hawkins Yaah! Ooo! (...) Waugh! Aiii! Jean Hurry! Help the Fox! Hawkins Jean! Jean Oh! Hawkins, are you all right? Hawkins Never mind me. Where's the child? Jean Safe. Hawkins Good. Jean You've been wonderful. Ravenhurst How convenient. The Fox and his mate! So my friends, the tables have turned yet again. But this time for the last time, and not only for one, but for two! What a prize! Dwarves Hey! Hawkins Griswold! Jean They'll cut us to ribbons. We've lost. ------------------------------------------- True King Black Fox Hold there! Hold! Let no more English blood be spilled! Victory is ours! Griswold Not so fast! Unhand the king, and surrender! Black Fox Never! Griswold Then die as traitors to the crown! Hawkins Hold, Sir Griswold! Hold your men! Sir Griswold, I speak to you as knight to knight. When you were dubbed, you pledged your hand, your heart and your sword to defend the true king of England. Is that right? Griswold Well? Hawkins This man is not the true king. He has usurped the throne from the legitimate heir. Griswold Heir? What heir? Hawkins He who bears the mark of the royal bloodline. The purple pimpernel! Griswold The purple pimpernel? that's balderdash. No such person exists! Baby (Squawks) Griswold Your majesty! King Roderick Your majesty! Crowd Your majesty! Hawkins (Sings) The real king is on the throne, Jean is my very own, and life couldn't possibly, not even probably, life couldn't possibly better be! ---------------------------------------------------- --------------------