Some Like it Hot Close Captioned Transcript [SIREN] [TIRES SCREECH] [TIRES SCREECH] [HONKS HORN] [HONKS HORN] [ORGAN PLAYING] ALL RIGHT, CHARLIE, THAT THE JOINT? YES, SIR. WHO RUNS IT? SPATS COLOMBO. WHAT'S THE PASSWORD? I COME TO GRANDMA'S FUNERAL. HERE'S YOUR ADMISSION CARD. IF YOU WANT A RINGSIDE TABLE, TELL THEM YOU'RE A PALLBEARER. WE'RE SET. WHEN'S THE KICKOFF? CHIEF, I BETTER BLOW. IF COLOMBO SEES ME, IT'S GONNA BE GOOD-BYE, CHARLIE. GOOD-BYE, CHARLIE. GIVE ME FIVE MINUTES. THEN HIT THEM WITH EVERYTHING YOU GOT. YOU BETCHA. GOOD EVENING, SIR. I'M MR. MOZARELLA. CAN I HELP YOU? I COME TO THE OLD LADY'S FUNERAL. I'VE NEVER SEEN YOU BEFORE. I BEEN ON THE WAGON. PLEASE. I'M SUPPOSED TO BE A PALLBEARER. SHOW THE GENTLEMAN TO PEW NUMBER THREE. YES, SIR. THIS WAY, SIR. [JAZZ BAND PLAYING SWEET GEORGIA BROWN] [CROWD NOISE] IF YOU GOT TO GO, THAT'S THE WAY TO DO IT. FOLLOW ME, PLEASE. WHAT'LL IT BE, SIR? BOOZE. SORRY, WE ONLY SERVE COFFEE. COFFEE? SCOTCH COFFEE, CANADIAN COFFEE, SOUR-MASH COFFEE... SCOTCH. MAKE IT A DEMITASSE. WAIT. HAVEN'T YOU GOT ANOTHER PEW FARTHER FROM THE BAND? HOW ABOUT THAT ONE THERE? THAT'S RESERVED FOR MEMBERS OF THE IMMEDIATE FAMILY. OOPS. HEY! HEY, I WANT ANOTHER CUP OF COFFEE! I WANT ANOTHER CUP OF COFFEE! BRING A CHECK IN CASE THE JOINT IS RAIDED. WHO'S GONNA RAID A FUNERAL? SOME PEOPLE GOT NO RESPECT FOR THE DEAD. JOE, TONIGHT'S THE NIGHT, ISN'T IT? I'LL SAY. WHAT? NO, TONIGHT'S THE NIGHT WE GET PAID. I LOST A FILLING. I'M SEEING A DENTIST TOMORROW. WE'VE BEEN OUT OF WORK FOR FOUR MONTHS. YOU WANT TO BLOW MONEY ON YOUR TEETH? IT'S JUST A FILLING. DON'T BE SO SELFISH. WE OWE BACK RENT. WE OWE MOE'S DELICATESSEN $89. WE'VE BORROWED MONEY FROM EVERY GIRL IN THE LINE. TOMORROW WE'LL PAY EVERYBODY SOMETHING ON ACCOUNT. NO. TOMORROW WE GO TO THE DOG TRACK AND PUT EVERYTHING ON GREASED LIGHTNING. YOU'RE GONNA BET MY MONEY ON A DOG? I GOT IT FROM THE WAITER. HIS BROTHER IS THE ELECTRICIAN WHO WIRES THE RABBIT. WHAT? HE'S 10 TO 1. SUPPOSE HE LOSES. DON'T WORRY. THIS JOB WILL LAST. SUPPOSE IT DOESN'T. JERRY, WHY DO YOU PAINT EVERYTHING SO BLACK? SUPPOSE A TRUCK HITS YOU. SUPPOSE THE STOCK MARKET CRASHES. SUPPOSE MARY PICKFORD DIVORCES DOUGLAS FAIRBANKS. SUPPOSE THE DODGERS LEAVE BROOKLYN. SUPPOSE LAKE MICHIGAN OVERFLOWS. WELL, DON'T LOOK NOW, BUT THE WHOLE TOWN IS UNDERWATER. 4 3 2 1 [POLICE WHISTLE] OH! AAH! AAH! [WHISTLE] ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY, THIS IS A RAID. I'M A FEDERAL AGENT. YOU'RE ALL UNDER ARREST! I WANT ANOTHER CUP OF COFFEE! [WHISTLE] HEY! ALL RIGHT, SPATS. SERVICES ARE OVER. LET'S GO. GO WHERE? A COUNTRY CLUB FOR RETIRED BOOTLEGGERS. I'M PUTTIN' YOU UP FOR MEMBERSHIP. I DON'T JOIN NOTHIN'. YOU'LL LIKE IT. I'LL HAVE THE PRISON TAILOR MAKE YOU SOME SPECIAL SPATS-- STRIPED. BIG JOKE. WHAT'S THE RAP THIS TIME? EMBALMING PEOPLE WITH COFFEE--86 PROOF. ME? I'M JUST A CUSTOMER HERE. COME ON, SPATS. WE KNOW YOU OWN THE JOINT. MOZARELLA'S JUST FRONTIN' FOR YOU. MOZARELLA? NEVER HEARD OF HIM. WE GOT DIFFERENT INFORMATION. FROM WHO? TOOTHPICK CHARLIE, MAYBE? TOOTHPICK CHARLIE? NEVER HEARD OF HIM. BUTTERMILK. TOO SMART TO DRINK YOUR OWN STUFF, HUH? COME ON, ON YOUR FEET. YOU'RE JUST WASTIN' THE TAXPAYERS' MONEY. CALL YOUR LAWYER, IF YOU WANT TO. THESE ARE MY LAWYERS, ALL HARVARD MEN. OK. I WANT ANOTHER CUP OF COFFEE! LOOK OUT! I WANT ANOTHER CUP OF COFFEE! [WHISTLE] AAH! [BELL RINGING] WELL, THAT SOLVES ONE PROBLEM. WE DON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT WHO TO PAY FIRST. QUIET. I'M THINKING. THE LANDLADY'S GONNA LOCK US OUT. NO MORE KNACKWURST ON CREDIT. WE CAN'T BORROW FROM THE GIRLS. THEY'LL BE IN JAIL. I WONDER WHAT SAM THE BOOKIE WILL GIVE FOR OUR OVERCOATS. YOU'RE NOT PUTTING MY OVERCOAT ON A DOG! JERRY, IT'S A SURE THING. WE WILL FREEZE. IT'S BELOW ZERO. HE'S 10 TO 1. TOMORROW, WE'LL HAVE 20 OVERCOATS. JOE... GREASED LIGHTNING! WHY DO I LISTEN TO YOU? I SHOULD HAVE MY HEAD EXAMINED. I THOUGHT YOU WEREN'T TALKING TO ME. THE BULL FIDDLE IS DRESSED WARMER THAN I AM. ANYTHING TODAY? NOTHING. THANK YOU. ANYTHING TODAY? NOTHING. THANK YOU. I CAN'T GO ON, JOE. I'M WEAK FROM HUNGER, I'M RUNNING A FEVER... WE COULD BE LIVING LIKE KINGS. OH, HOW? THERE'S A DOG RUNNING IN THE THIRD-- GALLOPING GHOST. HE'S 15 TO 1. WHAT DO YOU WANT, MY HEAD ON A PLATE? JUST YOUR BASS. IF WE HOCK THAT-- WE'RE UP THE CREEK, AND YOU WANT TO HOCK THE PADDLE. OK, THEN STARVE. ANYTHING TODAY? IT'S YOU. YOU'VE GOT A LOT OF NERVE. THANK YOU. JOE, COME BACK HERE! UH-HUH. NELLIE, IF IT'S ABOUT SATURDAY NIGHT, I CAN EXPLAIN EVERYTHING. WHAT A HEEL. I SPEND $4.00 TO GET MY HAIR MARCELLED, BUY A NEW NEGLIGEE, BAKE HIM A PIZZA, AND WHERE WERE YOU? WHERE WERE YOU? WITH YOU. REMEMBER? YOU HAD THIS BAD TOOTH. HIS JAW WAS SWOLL OUT. IT WAS? OH, YEAH. I TOOK HIM TO THE HOSPITAL AND GAVE HIM A BLOOD TRANSFUSION. OUR BLOOD'S THE SAME TYPE. TYPE O. OH? I'LL MAKE IT UP TO YOU. YOU'RE MAKIN' IT UP SO FAR. AS SOON AS WE GET WORK, I'LL TAKE YOU OUT. NELLIE, HAS POLIAKOFF GOT ANYTHING FOR US? IT JUST SO HAPPENS HEIS LOOKING FOR A BASS AND A SAX. RIGHT? RIGHT. WHAT'S THE JOB? THREE WEEKS IN FLORIDA AT THE SEMINOLE-RITZ, TRANSPORTATION AND EXPENSES ALL PAID. ISN'T SHE A BIT OF TERRIFIC? LET'S SEE POLIAKOFF. HE'S GOT PEOPLE WITH HIM. WE'LL WAIT. GLADYS, IT'S THREE WEEKS IN FLORIDA, SWEET SUE AND HER SOCIETY SYNCOPATORS. THEY NEED TWO GIRLS ON SAX AND BASS. WHAT DO YOU MEAN, WHO IS IT? IT'S POLIAKOFF. I GOT A JOB FOR YOU. GLADYS! MESHUGENAH. PLAYED 112 HOURS AT A MARATHON DANCE. NOW SHE'S IN BED WITH A NERVOUS COLLAPSE. TELL HER TO MOVE OVER. WHAT ABOUT CORA JACKSON? LAST I HEARD, SHE WAS PLAYING WITH THE SALVATION ARMY. DREXEL 9044. THOSE IDIOT BROADS. WE'RE READY TO LEAVE FOR MIAMI, AND WHAT HAPPENS? THE SAXOPHONE RUNS OFF WITH A BIBLE SALESMAN, AND THE BASS FIDDLE GETS PREGNANT. BIENSTOCK, I OUGHT TO FIRE YOU! I'M THE BAND'S MANAGER, NOT THE NIGHT WATCHMAN. HELLO. LET ME TALK TO BESSIE MALONE. WHAT'S SHE DOING IN PHILADELPHIA? ON THE LEVEL? BESSIE LET HER HAIR GROW. NOW SHE'S PLAYING WITH STOKOWSKI. BLACK BOTTOM BESSIE? SCHPIELT ZICH MIT DER PHILHARMONIC. HOW ABOUT ROSEMARY SCHULTZ? SHE SLASHED HER WRISTS WHEN VALENTINO DIED. WE CAN ALL SLASH OUR WRISTS UNLESS WE GET TWO DAMES. WE DON'T CARE WHO THEY ARE. JUST GET THEM ON THAT TRAIN BY 8:00. TRUST POLIAKOFF. I'LL CALL YOU. I WONDER IF I GOT ROOM FOR ANOTHER ULCER. LONG DISTANCE, PLEASE. SIG, WE WANT TO TALK. IT'S ABOUT THE FLORIDA JOB. THE FLORIDA JOB? ARE WE LATE? COMEDIANS. GET OUT OF HERE! GET ME THE MORRIS AGENCY. YOU NEED A BASS AND A SAX, RIGHT? THE INSTRUMENTS ARE RIGHT, BUT YOU'RE NOT. WAIT. WHAT'S WRONG WITH US? YOU'RE THE WRONG SHAPE. GOOD-BYE! ARE YOU LOOKING FOR HUNCHBACKS? IT'S NOT THE BACKS WORRYING ME. WHAT KIND OF BAND IS IT? YOU GOT TO BE BLONDE. WE COULD DYE OUR HAIR. AND YOU GOT TO BE GIRLS. WE COULD... THIS IS A GIRL'S BAND? I COULD WRING NELLIE'S NECK. JOE, WHY COULDN'T WE DO IT? IN THE GYPSY TEAROOM, WE WORE GOLD EARRINGS. WITH THAT HAWAIIAN BAND, WE WORE GRASS SKIRTS. WHAT'S WITH HIM? HE DRINKS? HE AIN'T BEEN EATIN' GOOD. HIS EMPTY STOMACH'S GONE TO HIS HEAD. WE COULD BORROW CLOTHES FROM THE CHORUS GIRLS. YOU'VE FLIPPED YOUR WIG. NOW YOU'RE TALKING! WE GET SECOND-HAND WIGS, A LITTLE PADDING, WE CALL OURSELVES JOSEPHINE AND GERALDINE. JOSEPHINE AND GERALDINE? COME ON! IF YOU BOYS WANT TO PICK UP SOME MONEY TONIGHT, THE UNIVERSITY OF ILLINOIS IS HAVING A ST. VALENTINE'S DANCE. WE'LL TAKE IT. $6.00 A MAN. BE IN URBANA AT 8:00. ALL THE WAY TO URBANA FOR A ONE-NIGHT STAND? IT'S $12. WE'LL GET ONE OVERCOAT OUT OF HOCK. MR. MORRIS? THIS IS POLIAKOFF IN CHICAGO. DO YOU HAVE TWO GIRL MUSICIANS AVAILABLE? SAX AND BASS? IF WILLIAM MORRIS DOESN'T COME THROUGH, WE-- COME ON, GERALDINE. IT'S 100 MILES. IT'S SNOWIN'. HOW WE GONNA GET THERE? I'LL THINK OF SOMETHING. LIKE WHAT? DON'T CROWD ME. "DON'T CROWD ME." HOW'D IT GO, GIRLS? I SHOULD WRING YOUR NECK. JERRY, THAT'S NO WAY TO TALK. BABY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING TONIGHT? WHY? BECAUSE I'VE GOT SOME PLANS. I'M NOT DOING ANYTHING. REALLY? I THOUGHT I'D GO HOME AND HAVE SOME COLD PIZZA. THEN YOU'LL BE IN ALL EVENING? YES, JOE. GOOD. THEN YOU WON'T BE NEEDING YOUR CAR. MY CAR? WHY YOU... ISN'T HE A BIT OF TERRIFIC? WE COULD HAVE HAD THREE WEEKS IN FLORIDA, ALL EXPENSES PAID-- LYIN' IN THE SUN, PALM TREES, FLYIN' FISH-- KNOCK IT OFF, WILL YOU? POSSIBLE STRAIGHT, POSSIBLE NOTHING, AND A PAIR OF EIGHTS. ALL RIGHT, DROP 'EM, YOU GUYS. DROP WHAT? WE CAME FOR A CAR. OH, YEAH? YEAH, NELLIE WEINMEYER'S CAR. MUSICIANS. WISE GUYS. OK, LET'S GO. ACES BET. IT'S A '25 HUPMOBILE, GREEN, COUPE, SIR. IT'S OVER HERE. YEAH, OVER HERE. WANT SOME GAS? YEAH, ABOUT 40 CENTS' WORTH, PLEASE. PUT IT ON MISS WEINMEYER'S BILL? YEAH, WHY NOT? AND WHILE YOU'RE AT IT, FILL IT UP. [TIRES SCREECHING] ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY, HANDS UP. FACE THE WALL! YOU, TOO, TOOTHPICK. COME ON! COME ON. HEY.... JOIN US. OK, BOSS. HELLO, CHARLIE. LONG TIME NO SEE. WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE, SPATS? I'M JUST PAYING MY RESPECTS. YOU DON'T OWE ME NOTHIN'. I WOULDN'T SAY THAT. YOU RECOMMENDED MY MORTUARY TO YOUR FRIENDS. WHAT ARE YOU TALKIN' ABOUT? I HATE TO SEE ALL THOSE COFFINS GO TO WASTE. SPATS, I HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH IT. TOO BAD. YOU HAD THREE EIGHTS. GOOD-BYE, CHARLIE. NO, SPATS, NO! NO, SPATS, PLEASE, NO! NO! I THINK I'M GONNA BE SICK. [GASOLINE SPLASHING] COME ON OUT OF THERE. COME ON. COME ON! WE DIDN'T SEE ANYTHING, DID WE? WHAT? NO, NOTHING. IT'S NONE OF OUR BUSINESS IF YOU GUYS BUMP EACH OTHER OFF. WE DON'T-- SAY, DON'T I KNOW YOU TWO FROM SOMEWHERE? OH, NO. WE'RE JUST A COUPLE OF MUSICIANS. WE CAME TO PICK UP NELLIE WEINMEYER'S CAR. THERE'S A DANCE TONIGHT. COME ON, JERRY. WAIT A MINUTE. WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING? URBANA? IT'S ABOUT 100 MILES FROM HERE, SO DON'T... YOU'RE NOT GOIN' NOWHERE. WE'RE NOT? NO WITNESSES. WE WON'T BREATHE A WORD. YOU WON'T BREATHE NOTHIN', NOT EVEN AIR. BUT... [CRASH] [SIREN] LET'S BLOW OUT OF HERE. WE'LL TAKE CARE OF THOSE GUYS LATER. I THINK THEY GOT ME. THEY GOT THE BULL FIDDLE. NO BLOOD? IF THEY CATCH US, THERE'LL BE BLOOD EVERYWHERE--TYPE O. [SIREN] [HORN HONKS] JOE, WHERE ARE YOU RUNNING? AS FAR AWAY AS POSSIBLE. THAT'S NOT FAR ENOUGH. THOSE GUYS KNOW US. EVERY HOOD IN CHICAGO WILL BE AFTER US. [SIRENS] QUICK, GIVE ME A NICKEL. WHAT? A NICKEL. HERE. CALLING THE POLICE, HUH? POLICE? WE'D NEVER LIVE TO TESTIFY. OH. WABASH 1098. WE'VE GOT TO LEAVE TOWN. MAYBE WE SHOULD GROW BEARDS. WE'RE LEAVING TOWN, BUT WE'RE SHAVING. SHAVE? AT A TIME LIKE THIS? SHAVE OUR LEGS, STUPID. SHAVE OUR LEGS? WHAT-- [IN WOMAN'S VOICE] HELLO, MR. POLIAKOFF? I UNDERSTAND YOU'RE LOOKING FOR A COUPLE OF GIRL MUSICIANS. MM-HMM. MM-HMM. MM-HMM. FLORIDA LIMITED LEAVING ON TRACK ONE FOR WASHINGTON, CHARLESTON, SAVANNAH, JACKSONVILLE, AND MIAMI. ALL ABOARD. ALL ABOARD. OW! WHAT'S THE MATTER NOW? HOW DO THEY WALK IN THESE THINGS? MUST BE THE WAY THE WEIGHT IS DISTRIBUTED. IT IS SO DRAFTY. THEY MUST BE CATCHING COLD ALL THE TIME. QUIT STALLING. WE'LL MISS THE TRAIN. I FEEL LIKE EVERYBODY'S STARING AT ME. WITH THOSE LEGS? ARE YOU CRAZY? [WOMEN CHATTERING] UH-OH. WE'RE NOT GONNA GET AWAY WITH IT, JOE. MY NAME IS JOSEPHINE, AND THIS WAS YOUR IDEA IN THE FIRST PLACE. PSST. SSS! SSS! LOOK HOW SHE MOVES. THAT'S LIKE JELLO ON SPRINGS. MUST HAVE SOME SORT OF BUILT-IN MOTOR. IT'S A WHOLE DIFFERENT SEX. NOBODY'S ASKING YOU TO HAVE A BABY. THIS IS JUST TO GET OUT OF TOWN. ONCE WE GET TO FLORIDA, WE'LL BLOW THIS SET-UP. YOU'RE NOT TALKING ME INTO SOMETHING-- EXTRA! EXTRA! "SEVEN SLAUGHTERED IN NORTH SIDE GARAGE! FEARED BLOODY AFTERMATH!" YOU TALKED ME INTO IT. LET'S GO, JOSEPHINE. 'ATTA GIRL, GERALDINE. ROSELLA. MOVE ALONG, DOLORES. HEY, OLGA, HOW'S YOUR BACK? TRUMPET. [IN WOMAN'S VOICE] HERE WE ARE. YOU FROM THE POLIAKOFF AGENCY? YES, WE'RE THE NEW GIRLS. THIS IS OUR MANAGER, MR. BIENSTOCK. HELLO. I'M SWEET SUE. MY NAME IS JOSEPHINE. I'M DAPHNE. HMM? SAXOPHONE, BASS-- I'M GLAD TO SEE YOU GIRLS. YOU SAVED OUR LIVES. LIKEWISE, I'M SURE. WHERE DID YOU PLAY BEFORE? HERE, THERE, AND AROUND AND... WE SPENT THREE YEARS AT THE SHEBOYGAN CONSERVATORY OF MUSIC. HMM? ALL ABOARD! YOU'RE IN BERTH 7 AND 7-A. 7 AND 7-A. THANKS EVER SO. YOU'RE WELCOME. OH, THE FEELING'S MUTUAL. UPSY DAISY. FRESH. LOOKS LIKE POLIAKOFF CAME THROUGH WITH SOME REAL LADIES. TELL THE OTHER GIRLS TO WATCH THEIR LANGUAGE. [WHISTLE BLOWS] [BELL RINGS] WE-- DAPHNE? WELL, I NEVER DID LIKE THE NAME GERALDINE. HI! I'M THE BASS FIDDLE. JUST CALL ME DAPHNE. HI! HI! HI! MY NAME IS JOSEPHINE. SAX. HI! HI! HI! WELCOME TO NO MAN'S LAND. YOU'LL BE SORRY! YOU'LL BE SORRY! TAKE OFF YOUR CORSETS AND RELAX. I DON'T WEAR ONE MYSELF. DON'T YOU BULGE? I HAVE A DIVINE SEAMSTRESS, AND SHE IS SO INEXPENSIVE-- COME ON, DAPHNE. HAVE YOU HEARD THE ONE ABOUT THE GIRL TUBA PLAYER STRANDED ON A DESERT ISLAND WITH A ONE-LEGGED JOCKEY? NO, HOW'S IT GO? NONE OF THAT ROUGH TALK. THEY WENT TO A CONSERVATORY. "THEY WENT TO A CONSERVATORY." BRRRRTT! HOW ABOUT THAT TALENT, HUH? IT'S LIKE FALLIN' INTO A TUB OF BUTTER. WATCH IT, DAPHNE. WHEN I WAS A KID, I USED TO DREAM I WAS LOCKED OVERNIGHT IN A PASTRY SHOP. THERE WAS GOODIES ALL AROUND-- JELLY ROLLS, MOCHA ECLAIRS, SPONGE CAKE-- LISTEN. NO BUTTER, NO PASTRY. WE'RE ON A DIET. OH, YEAH, OH, SURE. NOT THERE! THAT'S THE EMERGENCY BRAKE. NOW YOU'VE DONE IT. NOW YOU HAVE DONE IT. DONE WHAT? YOU TORE OFF ONE OF MY CHESTS. YOU BETTER GET IT FIXED. YOU BETTER COME HELP ME. THIS WAY, DAPHNE. NOW YOU TORE THE OTHER ONE. MMM! TERRIBLY SORRY. I WAS SCARED IT WAS SWEET SUE. YOU WON'T TELL, WILL YOU? TELL WHAT? IF THEY CATCH ME AGAIN, THEY'RE GONNA KICK ME OUT OF THE BAND. YOU REPLACING THE BASS AND SAX? THAT'S US. I'M DAPHNE. THIS IS JOE...SEPHINE. I'M SUGAR CANE. HI. SUGAR CANE? IT USED TO BE SUGAR KOWALCZYK. POLISH? YES. I COME FROM THIS MUSICAL FAMILY. MY FATHER WAS A CONDUCTOR. WHERE DID HE CONDUCT? ON THE BALTIMORE AND OHIO. OH. I PLAY THE UKULELE, AND I SING, TOO. MY VOICE ISN'T MUCH, BUT NEITHER IS THIS BAND. I'M ONLY WITH THEM BECAUSE I'M RUNNING AWAY. FROM WHAT? DON'T GET ME STARTED ON THAT. YOU WANT SOME? IT'S BOURBON. I'LL TAKE A RAIN CHECK. HA HA HA HA HA HA! DON'T THINK I'M A DRINKER. I CAN STOP ANYTIME I WANT TO, ONLY I DON'T WANT TO, ESPECIALLY WHEN I'M BLUE. ALL THE GIRLS DRINK. I JUST ALWAYS GET CAUGHT. STORY OF MY LIFE. I ALWAYS GET THE FUZZY END OF THE LOLLIPOP. ARE MY SEAMS STRAIGHT? I'LL SAY. HA HA HA! WELL, SEE YOU AROUND, GIRLS. BYE, SUGAR. WE HAVE BEEN PLAYING WITH THE WRONG BANDS. DOWN, DAPHNE. HOW ABOUT THE SHAPE OF THAT LIQUOR CABINET? ONE FALSE MOVE, AND THEY'LL TOSS US OFF THE TRAIN. THEN THERE'LL BE THE POLICE, THE PAPERS, AND THAT CHICAGO MOB. I'D LOVE TO BORROW A CUP OF THAT SUGAR. LOOK, NO PASTRY, NO BUTTER, AND NO SUGAR. YOU TORE 'EM AGAIN. [PLAYING SWING MUSIC] """... [PLAYING SQUEAKY FILLS] [THUNK...THUNK... THUNK...] HEY, YOU TWO, WHAT WAS YOUR LAST JOB, PLAYING SQUARE DANCES? NO, FUNERALS. WOULD YOU MIND REJOINING THE LIVING? GOOSE IT UP A LITTLE. WE'LL TRY. HA... HOW DID THOSE HOLES GET THERE? UH...THOSE? I DON'T KNOW. HA HA HA! MICE? ALL RIGHT, LET'S TAKE IT FROM THE TOP. PUT SOME HEAT UNDER IT! OH-HO! " RUNNIN' WILD, LOST CONTROL " " RUNNIN' WILD, MIGHTY BOLD " " FEELIN' GAY, RECKLESS, TOO " " CAREFREE MIND ALL THE TIME, NEVER BLUE " " ALWAYS GOIN', DON'T KNOW WHERE " " ALWAYS SHOWIN' I DON'T CARE " " DON'T LOVE NOBODY " " IT'S NOT WORTHWHILE " " ALL ALONE " " RUNNIN' WILD "" BIENSTOCK! YES, SUE? WHAT IS IT? I THOUGHT I MADE IT CLEAR I DON'T WANT ANY DRINKING IN THIS OUTFIT! [TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS] ALL RIGHT, GIRLS, WHO DOES THIS BELONG TO? SPEAK UP. SUGAR, I WARNED YOU. PLEASE, MR. BIENSTOCK... THIS IS THE LAST STRAW. IN KANSAS CITY, YOU SMUGGLED LIQUOR IN A SHAMPOO BOTTLE. MR. BIENSTOCK, COULD I HAVE MY FLASK, PLEASE? SURE. PACK YOUR THINGS-- YOUR FLASK? YES. MUST HAVE SLIPPED THROUGH. GIVE ME THAT. DIDN'T YOU SAY YOU WENT TO A CONSERVATORY? YES, FOR A WHOLE YEAR. YOU SAID THREE. WE GOT TIME OFF FOR GOOD BEHAVIOR. THERE E TWO THINGS I WILL NOT TOLERATE DURING WORKING HOURS. ONE IS LIQUOR, AND THE OTHER IS MEN. DON'T WORRY ABOUTTHAT. WE WOULDN'T BE CAUGHT DEAD WITH MEN-- ROUGH, HAIRY BEASTS WITH EIGHT HANDS. THEY ALL JUST WANT ONE THING FROM A GIRL. I BEG YOUR PARDON, MISS. ALL RIGHT, GIRLS, FROM THE TOP AGAIN. DO YOU THINK I COULD USE YOUR CREAM WHEN I COME BACK? YEAH, I'LL LOAN IT TO YOU. HORTENSE, DEAR, GOOD NIGHT. GOOD NIGHT, DAPHNE. MAUDE, SWEET DREAMS. GOOD NIGHT, GLORIA. GOOD NIGHT, DAPHNE. DOLORES, DEAR, YOU SLEEP TIGHT. NIGHTY-NIGHT, EMILY. TOODLE-OO. HOW ABOUT THAT TOODLE-OO? STEADY, BOY. JUST KEEP TELLING YOURSELF YOU'RE A GIRL. I'M A GIRL. YOU'RE A GIRL. I'M A GIRL. I'M A GIRL. I'M A GIRL. I'M A... THAT'S WHAT SHE IS. HI. GET A LOAD OF THAT RHYTHM SECTION. HA HA HA-- I'M A GIRL. I'M A GIRL, I'M A GIRL. I'M A GIRL. GOOD NIGHT, SUGAR. GOOD NIGHT, HONEY. HONEY? HEY, SHE CALLED ME HONEY. HA HA! OOH, HONEY. WHAT ARE YOU DOIN'? I WANT TO MAKE SURE HONEY STAYS IN HER HIVE. SUPPOSIN' I GOT TO GO FOR A DRINK OF WATER. FIGHT IT. SUPPOSE I LOSE. SUPPOSE IT'S AN EMERGENCY. PULL THE EMERGENCY BRAKE. OOH... HEY, BIENSTOCK, THERE'S SOMETHING FUNNY ABOUT THOSE NEW GIRLS. FUNNY? IN WHAT WAY? I DON'T KNOW. I FEEL IT RIGHT HERE. HAVING AN ULCER IS LIKE HAVING A BURGLAR ALARM INSIDE YOU. OK, I'LL WATCH THOSE TWO. EVERYBODY SETTLE DOWN. GOOD NIGHT, GIRLS. GOOD NIGHT, DAPHNE. GOOD NIGHT, JOSEPHINE. [TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS] I'M A GIRL. I'M A GIRL. I WISH I WERE DEAD. I'M A GIRL, I'M A GIRL, I'M A GIRL, I'M A GIRL... DAPHNE? RARR... DAPHNE? SUGAR! THANK YOU FOR COVERING UP FOR ME. YOU'RE A REAL PAL. OH...IT'S NOTHING. I, UH...I JUST THOUGHT THAT US GIRLS SHOULD STICK TOGETHER. IF IT WASN'T FOR YOU, THEY WOULD HAVE KICKED ME OFF. I'D BE IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE, SITTING ON MY UKULELE. OH, IT'S FREEZING OUTSIDE. WHEN I THINK ABOUT YOU AND YOUR UKULELE... IF THERE'S ANYTHING I CAN DO FOR YOU... I CAN THINK OF A MILLION THINGS. THAT'S ONE OF 'EM. SHH! SWEET SUE. UH-HUH. I DON'T WANT HER TO KNOW WE'RE IN CAHOOTS. WELL, WE WON'T TELL ANYBODY... NOT EVEN JOSEPHINE. MAYBE I BETTER STAY HERE UNTIL SHE GOES BACK TO SLEEP. STAY AS LONG AS YOU LIKE. I'M NOT CROWDING YOU, AM I? NO, IT'S NICE AND COZY. WHEN I WAS LITTLE, ON COLD NIGHTS, I WOULD CRAWL INTO BED WITH MY SISTER. WE'D CUDDLE UP UNDER THE COVERS AND PRETEND WE WERE LOST IN A CAVE AND TRYING TO GET OUT. HA HA HA! VERY INTERESTING. ANYTHING WRONG? NO, NO. NOT A THING. YOU POOR THING, YOU'RE TREMBLING ALL OVER. OH, THAT'S RIDICULOUS. YOUR HEAD'S HOT. RIDICULOUS. YOU'VE GOT COLD FEET. ISN'T THAT RIDICULOUS? LET ME WARM THEM UP. THERE, ISN'T THAT BETTER? YES. I'M A GIRL... WHAT? I'M A VERY SICK GIRL. I BETTER GO BEFORE I CATCH SOMETHING. I'M NOT THAT SICK. I'VE GOT VERY LOW RESISTANCE. SUGAR, IF YOU'RE CATCHING SOMETHING, THE BEST THING IS A SHOT OF WHISKEY. YOU GOT SOME? I KNOW WHERE TO GET IT. SHH. HOLD ON. OK. UP, UP. NOW. [THUD] ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? I'M FINE. HOW'S THE BOTTLE? HALF-FULL. YOU BETTER GET SOME CUPS. CUPS? HEE HEE HEE! DEAR, THIS IS THE ONLY WAY TO TRAVEL. PUT ON THE LIGHTS. I CAN'T SEE. NO LIGHTS. WE DON'T WANT THEM TO KNOW WE'RE HAVING A PARTY. BUT I MIGHT SPILL SOME. SO SPILL IT. SPILLS, THRILLS, LAUGHS, AND GAMES. THIS MAY TURN OUT TO BE A SURPRISE PARTY. WHAT'S THE SURPRISE? UH-UH, NOT YET. BETTER HAVE A DRINK FIRST. THAT'LL PUT HAIR ON YOUR CHEST. NO FAIR GUESSING. HA HA HA! IS THIS A PRIVATE CLAMBAKE? YES, IT'S PRIVATE. GO AWAY. DOLORES, DO YOU STILL HAVE THAT VERMOUTH? SURE. WHO NEEDS VERMOUTH? WE'VE GOT BOURBON. LET'S MAKE MANHATTANS. MANHATTANS? AT THIS TIME OF NIGHT? BRING THE SHAKER. SUGAR, YOU'LL SPOIL MY SURPRISE. HEY, HONEY, WHAT'S UP? PARTY IN UPPER 7. I'LL GET SOME CHEESE AND CRACKERS. GET A CORKSCREW. ROSELLA, PARTY IN UPPER 7. GOT A CORKSCREW? NO, BUT STELLA HAS. HEY, THERE'S A PARTY IN UPPER 7. PARTY IN UPPER 7. OH, PARTY? PARTY IN UPPER 7! HERE'S THE VERMOUTH. WILL YOU PLEASE GO AWAY? I BROUGHT SOME CHEESE AND CRACKERS. THIS IS A PARTY FOR TWO. WILL 10 CUPS BE ENOUGH? 10 CUPS? GIRLS, PLEASE STOP THIS. COULD YOU USE SOME SOUTHERN COMFORT? GIRLS, YOU'RE GONNA WAKE UP THE NEIGHBORS DOWNSTAIRS. NOW, JOSEPHINE WILL-- WATCH THAT CORKSCREW! HERE'S A CRACKER. NO CRACKERS IN BED. YOU GIRLS FIND YOUR OWN PARTY. HERE'S THE SHAKER. I WISH WE HAD ICE. HEY, EASY ON THE VERMOUTH. 13 GIRLS IN A BERTH IS BAD LUCK. 12 OF YOU GET OUT. PASS ME THE PEANUT BUTTER. SALAMI? I'LL HAVE ANTS TOMORROW! HEY, HAVE YOU GOT ANY MARASCHINO CHERRIES ON YOU? HMM? OH, NEVER MIND. MARASCHINO CHERRIES? AH-HA! [CHATTERING AND LAUGHTER] HA HA HA HA HA HA! WHAT'S GOING ON HERE? DAPHNE? DAPHNE, WHERE ARE YOU? DAPHNE? IT'S NOT MY FAULT. I DIDN'T INVITE THEM. GIRLS, BREAK IT UP. ALL RIGHT, YOU HEARD JOSEPHINE. GIRLS, EVERYBODY OUT. EVERYBODY OUT! NOT YOU, SUGAR. I'M JUST GOING TO GET SOME ICE. GET OUT! GET OUT! THAT'S RIGHT, SUGAR. NOW THE REST OF YOU. OUT. COME ON IN. THE WATER'S FINE. WE'LL ALL BE FIRED. SUGAR, DON'T LEAVE ME ALONE. KIDS, GIVE UP, WILL YOU? IT'S 2:00. THE PARTY'S OVER. EVERYBODY GO HOME. WHAT'S THIS? JOSEPHINE, OVER HERE BEFORE IT MELTS. GO ON! PUT IT HERE. SUGAR, YOU'RE GONNA GET YOURSELF INTO TROUBLE. YOU BETTER KEEP A LOOKOUT. IF BIENSTOCK CATCHES YOU AGAIN... WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU, ANYWAY? I'M NOT VERY BRIGHT. I WOULDN'T SAY THAT. CARELESS, MAYBE. JUST DUMB. IF I HAD BRAINS, I WOULDN'T BE WITH THIS CRUMMY GIRLS' BAND. WHY'D YOU TAKE THIS JOB? I CAN'T AFFORD SINGING WITH MALE BANDS ANYMORE. HAVE YOU WORKED WITH MALE BANDS? WHO, ME? THAT'S WHAT I'M RUNNING FROM. I WORKED WITH SIX DIFFERENT ONES IN TWO YEARS. OH, BROTHER. YOU CAN'T TRUST THOSE GUYS. I CAN'T TRUST MYSELF. I HAVE THIS THING ABOUT SAXOPHONE PLAYERS, ESPECIALLY TENOR SAX. REALLY? THEY JUST CURDLE ME. ALL THEY HAVE TO DO IS PLAY EIGHT BARS OF COME TO ME, MY MELANCHOLY BABY, MY SPINE TURNS TO CUSTARD AND I COME TO 'EM. THAT SO? EVERY TIME. I PLAY TENOR SAX. BUT YOU'RE A GIRL. THAT'S WHY I JOINED THIS BAND-- ANYTHING TO GET AWAY FROM THOSE BUMS. YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY'RE LIKE. YOU REALLY LOVE 'EM, YOU THINK, "THIS IS THE BIGGEST THING SINCE THE GRAF ZEPPELIN." THEN THEY'RE BORROWING YOUR MONEY AND BETTING IT ON HORSES. YOU DON'T SAY. THEN ONE MORNING, THE GUY'S GONE, THE SAXOPHONE'S GONE. ALL THAT'S LEFT IS A TUBE OF TOOTHPASTE, ALL SQUEEZED OUT. SO YOU PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER, GO TO THE NEXT JOB, THE NEXT SAXOPHONE PLAYER. IT'S THE SAME THING AGAIN. SEE WHAT I MEAN? NOT VERY BRIGHT. BRAINS AREN'T EVERYTHING. I'LL SAY ONE THING-- IT WON'T HAPPEN TO ME AGAIN. I'M TIRED OF GETTING THE FUZZY END OF THE LOLLIPOP. ICE, WHAT'S KEEPING THE ICE? THE NATIVES ARE GETTING RESTLESS. HOW ABOUT A COUPLE OF DRINKS FOR US? SURE. I'M GONNA BE 25 IN JUNE. THAT'S 1/4 OF A CENTURY. MAKES A GIRL THINK. ABOUT WHAT? ABOUT THE FUTURE-- LIKE A HUSBAND. I'M GLAD WE'RE GOING TO FLORIDA. WHAT'S IN FLORIDA? MILLIONAIRES-- FLOCKS OF THEM. THEY GO SOUTH FOR THE WINTER, LIKE BIRDS. YOU GONNA CATCH A RICH BIRD? I DON'T CARE, AS LONG AS HE HAS A YACHT, A RAILROAD CAR, AND HIS OWN TOOTHPASTE. MAYBE YOU'LL MEET ONE, TOO. WITH ROCKEFELLER'S MONEY AND JOHNNY WEISSMULLER'S SHOULDERS. I WANT MINE TO WEAR GLASSES. MEN WHO WEAR GLASSES ARE SWEET AND HELPLESS. HAVEN'T YOU EVER NOTICED IT? NOW THAT YOU'VE MENTIONED IT, MM-HMM. THEY GET WEAK EYES READING THOSE LONG, TINY COLUMNS IN THE WALL STREET JOURNAL. THAT BASS FIDDLE SURE KNOWS HOW TO THROW A PARTY. HOT DIGGITY DOG! WELL, HAPPY DAYS. I HOPE THIS TIME YOU WIND UP WITH THE SWEET END OF THE LOLLIPOP. HA HA HA HA HA! SO THE ONE-LEGGED JOCKEY SAID... WHAT DID HE SAY? THE ONE-LEGGED JOCKEY SAID, "DON'T WORRY ABOUT ME. I RIDE SIDESADDLE!" AH HA HA HA HA HA! OH, SHH... [HICCUP] [HICCUP] I'M TERRIBLY SORRY. [HICCUP] RUB SOME ICE ON HER NECK. OW! YOU DROPPED IT! OH, IT'S COLD! NO, PLEASE! DON'T DO THAT! SHE'S TICKLISH. DON'T! AH! AH! AH! AH! PLEASE! HELP! HELP! JOSEPHINE! PLEASE STOP THAT! STOP THAT! STOP THAT! [HISSSSS!] [ERRRRRR!] AAAH! WHAT HAPPENED? [IN NORMAL VOICE] SEARCH ME. [IN WOMAN'S VOICE] I MEAN, I'LL SEE. OH... [CHATTERING] ALL RIGHT, WHAT'S GOING ON AROUND HERE? BIENSTOCK! ARE WE IN FLORIDA? " DOWN AMONG THE SHELTERING PALMS " " OH, HONEY, WAIT FOR ME " " OH, HONEY, WAIT FOR ME " " DON'T BE FORGETTIN' WE GOT A DATE " " OUT WHERE THE SUN GOES DOWN ABOUT EIGHT " " HOW MY LOVE IS BURNING, BURNING, BURNING " " HOW MY HEART IS YEARNING, YEARNING, YEARNING " " TO BE DOWN AMONG THE SHELTERING PALMS " " OH, HONEY, WAIT FOR ME "" AH! OH! WELL, WE'RE HERE. SUGAR? HERE, I'LL CARRY THE INSTRUMENTS. OH, THANK YOU, DAPHNE. OH, THANK YOU, DAPHNE. ISN'T SHE A SWEETHEART? GOOD MORNING. HOW DO YOU DO? ZOWIE! THERE THEY ARE-- MORE MILLIONAIRES THAN YOU CAN SHAKE A STICK AT. I'LL BET THERE ISN'T ONE UNDER 75. THAT'S 3/4 OF A CENTURY. MAKES A GIRL THINK. LET'S HOPE THEY BROUGHT THEIR GRANDSONS. OH, PARDON ME, MISS. MAY I? HELP YOURSELF. I'M OSGOOD FIELDING III. I'M CINDERELLA II. I ADMIRE A GIRL WITH A SHAPELY ANKLE. HA. ME, TOO. BYE-BYE. LET ME CARRY ONE OF THE INSTRUMENTS. OH, THANK YOU. AREN'T YOU A SWEETHEART? IT CERTAINLY IS DELIGHTFUL HAVING YOUNG BLOOD AROUND HERE. WELL, PERSONALLY, I'M TYPE O. I'M FASCINATED BY SHOW BUSINESS. IN FACT, IT'S COST MY FAMILY A LOT OF MONEY. OH, YOU INVEST IN SHOWS? SHOWGIRLS. I'VE BEEN MARRIED SEVEN OR EIGHT TIMES. YOU'RE NOT SURE? MAMA'S KEEPING SCORE. SHE'S GETTING ANNOYED WITH ME. WOULDN'T WONDER. WHENTHE GEORGE WHITE SCANDALS OPENED, SHE SENT ME TO FLORIDA. SHE THINKS I'M ON MY YACHT... DEEP-SEA FISHING. PULL IN YOUR REEL, MR. FIELDING. YOU'RE BARKING UP THE WRONG FISH. IF I PROMISE NOT TO BE NAUGHTY, HOW ABOUT DINNER TONIGHT? I'LL BE ON THE BANDSTAND. WHICH INSTRUMENT DO YOU PLAY? BULL FIDDLE. OH! FASCINATING. DO YOU USE A BOW OR JUST PLUCK IT? MOST OF THE TIME, I SLAP IT. YOU MUST BE QUITE A GIRL. WANNA BET? HA HA HA HA! MY LAST WIFE WAS AN ACROBATIC DANCER, SORT OF A CONTORTIONIST. SHE COULD SMOKE HOLDING A CIGARETTE BETWEEN HER TOES. ZOWIE! BUT MAMA BROKE IT UP. SHE DOESN'T APPROVE OF GIRLS WHO SMOKE. [ELEVATOR APPROACHES] BYE-BYE, MR. FIELDING. THIS IS WHERE I GET OFF. OH, NO. YOU DON'T GET OFF THAT EASY. DRIVER, ONCE AROUND THE PARK, SLOWLY. AND KEEP YOUR EYES ON THE ROAD. WHAT KIND OF GIRL DO YOU THINK I AM? OH, OH, PLEASE. PLEASE. IT WON'T HAPPEN AGAIN. I'LL SAY. PLEASE, COME BACK. I'LL WALK. PLEASE, MISS. I... HA HA HA HA HA... ZOWIE! ALL RIGHT, GIRLS, HERE ARE YOUR ROOM ASSIGNMENTS. WHERE ARE MY GLASSES? OLGA AND MARY LOU ARE IN 412. MARY LOU, BUTTON YOUR KIMONO WHEN RINGING FOR ROOM SERVICE. JOSEPHINE AND DAPHNE ARE 413, DOLORES AND SUGAR IN 414. ME AND SUGAR? WHAT DID YOU EXPECT, A ONE-LEGGED JOCKEY? I WISH THEY'D PUT US IN THE SAME ROOM. DON'T WORRY. WE'LL SEE A LOT OF EACH OTHER. 414--THAT'S THE SAME ROOM NUMBER I HAD IN CINCINNATI, MY LAST TIME AROUND WITH A MALE BAND. WHAT A HEEL HE WAS. SAXOPHONE PLAYER? WHAT ELSE? WAS I EVER CRAZY ABOUT HIM. 2:00 A.M, HE SENT ME FOR POTATO SALAD. THERE WAS NO POTATO SALAD, SO I BROUGHT COLE SLAW. HE THREW IT IN MY FACE. FORGET SAXOPHONE PLAYERS. YOU'RE GONNA MEET A MILLIONAIRE, A YOUNG ONE. WHAT MAKES YOU SO SURE? MY FEMININE INTUITION. OH, ARE THESE YOUR BAGS? MM-HMM. AND THAT ONE, TOO. OK, DOLL. I SUPPOSE YOU WANT A TIP. AH, FORGET IT, DOLL. YOU WORK HERE, AND I WORK HERE. IT'S NICE TO HAVE YOU WITH THE ORGANIZATION. BYE-BYE. WHAT TIME ARE YOU OFF TONIGHT? WHY? I'M WORKING THE NIGHT SHIFT. I GOT SOME GIN STASHED AWAY, AND WHEN THERE'S A LULL... AREN'T YOU A LITTLE YOUNG FOR THAT, SONNY? WANT TO SEE MY DRIVER'S LICENSE? GET LOST. THAT'S THE WAY I LIKE 'EM-- BIG AND SASSY! AND GET RID OF YOUR ROOMMATE. [WHISTLES] DIRTY OLD MAN! I GOT PINCHED IN THE ELEVATOR. NOW YOU KNOW HOW THE OTHER HALF LIVES. I'M NOT EVEN PRETTY. YOU'RE WEARING A SKIRT. IT'S LIKE A RED FLAG IN FRONT OF A BULL. I'M SICK OF BEING A FLAG! I WANT TO BE A BULL AGAIN! YOU PROMISED WE'D BEAT IT WHEN WE HIT FLORIDA. WE'RE BROKE. WE COULD FIND ANOTHER BAND... A MALE BAND! SPATS COLOMBO IS LOOKING FOR US IN EVERY MALE BAND IN THE COUNTRY. SO YOU GOT PINCHED. WOULD YOU RATHER PICK LEAD OUT OF YOUR NAVEL? HOW LONG CAN WE KEEP THIS UP? WE'RE SITTING PRETTY. WE GET ROOM AND BOARD. WE'RE GETTING PAID EVERY WEEK. LOOK AT THE PALM TREES, THE FLYING FISH... FLYING FISH! I KNOW WHY YOU WANT TO STAY! YOU'RE AFTER SUGAR! I SAW THE BOTH OF YOU IN THAT BUS ALL LOVEY-DOVEY AND BORROWING EACH OTHER'S LIPSTICK! ME AND SUGAR? WE'RE JUST LIKE SISTERS! WELL, I'M YOUR FAIRY GODMOTHER, AND I'M GOING TO KEEP AN EYE ON YOU. [KNOCK ON DOOR] ARE YOU DECENT? COME IN. YOU GIRLS SEEN A BROWN BAG WITH MY INITIALS? IT'S MY SUITCASE WITH ALL MY RESORT CLOTHES! NO, WE HAVEN'T. FIRST MY GLASSES DISAPPEAR, THEN ONE OF MY SUITCASES-- WHERE'S MY UKULELE? NOW A UKULELE! THERE MUST BE A THIEF AROUND HERE! HERE IT IS. THE GIRLS ARE GOING SWIMMING. WANT TO COME? A SWIM! YOU BET! DAPHNE, YOU HAVEN'T GOT A BATHING SUIT. I DON'T HAVE ONE EITHER. SHE DOESN'T HAVE ONE EITHER! YOU DON'T? WE CAN RENT SOME. HOW ABOUT YOU, JOSEPHINE? I THINK I'LL SOAK IN A HOT TUB. LET HER SOAK! COME ON! DON'T GET BURNED, DAPHNE. I'VE GOT SUNTAN LOTION. SHE'LL RUB IT ON ME. I'LL RUB IT ON HER. BYE-BYE! " BY THE SEA, BY THE SEA " " BY THE BEAUTIFUL SEA " " YOU AND ME, YOU AND ME " " OH, HOW HAPPY WE'LL BE " " I LOVE TO BE BESIDE, BESIDE, BESIDE THE SEA " " BESIDE THE SEASIDE, BY THE BEAUTIFUL SEA "" DAPHNE! CUT IT OUT! WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING? JUST A LITTLE TRICK I PICKED UP IN THE ELEVATOR. HERE COMES A BIG ONE! WHEE! I HAD NO IDEA YOU WERE SUCH A BIG GIRL! YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN ME BEFORE I DIETED! YOUR SHOULDERS AND YOUR ARMS! THAT'S FROM CARRYING THAT BULL FIDDLE. THERE'S ONE THING I ENVY YOU FOR. YOU'RE SO FLAT-CHESTED. CLOTHES HANG BETTER ON YOU THAN ON ME. WATCH OUT, DAPHNE! SUGAR, LET'S PLAY BALL! OK! LET'S GO, JUNIOR. TIME FOR YOUR NAP. NO. I WANT TO PLAY. SCRAM, JUNIOR. THIS BEACH AIN'T BIG ENOUGH FOR THE BOTH OF US. MOMMY! MOMMY! HERE WE GO! I LIKE COFFEE, I LIKE TEA. HOW MANY BOYS ARE STUCK ON ME? 1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6... 7! I'M TERRIBLY SORRY. ARE YOU HURT? I DON'T THINK SO. MAKE SURE. WHY? USUALLY WHEN PEOPLE FOUND OUT WHO I AM, THEY GET A WHEELCHAIR, A SHYSTER LAWYER, AND SUE ME FOR $750,000. I WON'T SUE YOU NO MATTER WHO YOU ARE. WHO ARE YOU? NOW, REALLY! SUGAR! COME ON! HONESTLY! CHEERIO! HAVEN'T I SEEN YOU SOMEWHERE BEFORE? NOT VERY LIKELY. STAYING AT THE HOTEL? NOT AT ALL. YOUR FACE IS FAMILIAR. POSSIBLY YOU'VE SEEN IT IN NEWSPAPERS OR MAGAZINES. UH... VANITY FAIR. THAT MUST BE IT. YOU'RE BLOCKING MY VIEW. YOUR VIEW? OF WHAT? THEY RUN UP A FLAG ON THE YACHT WHEN IT'S TIME FOR COCKTAILS. YOU OWN A YACHT? WHICH ONE? THE BIG ONE? NO. WITH ALL THE UNREST IN THE WORLD, NOBODY SHOULD HAVE A YACHT THAT SLEEPS MORE THAN 12. I QUITE AGREE. WHO RUNS UP THAT FLAG? YOUR WIFE? NO. MY FLAG STEWARD. WHO MIXES THE COCKTAILS? YOUR WIFE? NO. MY COCKTAIL STEWARD. IF YOU'RE INTERESTED IN WHETHER I AM MARRIED OR NOT-- I'M NOT INTERESTED AT ALL. WELL, I'M NOT. THAT'S VERY INTERESTING! HOW'S THE STOCK MARKET? UP! UP! UP! I'LL BET WHILE WE WERE TALKING YOU MADE LIKE $100,000? YOU PLAY THE MARKET? NO. THE UKULELE. I SING, TOO. A BUNCH OF US GIRLS ARE APPEARING AT THE HOTEL-- SWEET SUE AND HER SOCIETY SYNCOPATORS. OH, YOU'RE SOCIETY GIRLS! OH, YES. QUITE. BRYN MAWR...VASSAR. WE'RE JUST DOING THIS FOR A LARK. SYNCOPATORS...DOES THAT MEAN YOU PLAY THAT FAST MUSIC, JAZZ? YEAH, REAL HOT! I GUESS SOME LIKE IT HOT. I PREFER CLASSICAL MUSIC. OH, I DO, TOO. I SPENT THREE YEARS AT THE SHEBOYGAN CONSERVATORY OF MUSIC. GOOD SCHOOL. AND YOUR FAMILY DOESN'T OBJECT TO YOUR CAREER? INDEED! DADDY THREATENED TO CUT ME OFF WITHOUT A CENT. I DON'T CARE. SUCH A BORE... COMING-OUT PARTIES... INAUGURATION BALLS... OPENING OF THE OPERA... RIDING TO HOUNDS. AND ALWAYS THE SAME 400. IT'S AMAZING WE NEVER MET BEFORE. I WOULD HAVE REMEMBERED ANYBODY AS ATTRACTIVE AS YOU. YOU'RE VERY KIND. I'LL BET YOU'RE ALSO GENTLE AND HELPLESS. I HAVE THIS THEORY ABOUT MEN WHO WEAR GLASSES. WHAT THEORY? I'LL TELL YOU WHEN I KNOW YOU BETTER. WHAT ARE YOU DOING TONIGHT? MAYBE YOU COULD COME HEAR US PLAY. I WOULD LIKE TO, BUT THAT WOULD BE DIFFICULT. I ONLY COME ASHORE AT LOW TIDE. IT'S ON ACCOUNT OF THESE SHELLS. THAT'S MY HOBBY. I COLLECT SHELLS. SO DID MY FATHER AND GRANDFATHER. WE HAD A PASSION FOR SHELLS. THAT'S WHY WE NAMED THE OIL COMPANY AFTER IT. SHELL OIL? PLEASE, NO NAMES. JUST CALL ME JUNIOR. SUGAR! IT'S TIME TO CHANGE FOR DINNER. RUN ALONG. I'LL CATCH UP WITH YOU LATER. NO! WHY ARE YOU STARING? THIS HAPPENS ALL THE TIME. I RECOGNIZED HIM, TOO. HIS PICTURE WAS IN VANITY FAIR. WOULD YOU MOVE ALONG? YOU'RE IN HIS WAY. HE'S WAITING FOR A SIGNAL FROM HIS YACHT. HIS YACHT? THIS IS MY FRIEND DAPHNE. SHE'S A VASSAR GIRL. I'M A WHAT? OR WAS IT BRYN MAWR? I HEARD A SAD STORY ABOUT A BRYN MAWR GIRL. SHE SQUEALED ON HER ROOMMATE, AND THEY FOUND HER STRANGLED WITH HER OWN BRASSIERE. WE HAVE TO BE CAREFUL WHOM WE PICK FOR A ROOMMATE. HMM? I BETTER BE GOING. IT WAS DELIGHTFUL MEETING YOU BOTH. YOU'LL COME AND HEAR US? IF IT'S POSSIBLE. DO COME! IT'LL BE SUCH FUN. AND BRING YOUR YACHT! COME ON, DAPHNE. HOW ABOUT THAT GUY! HANDS OFF. I SAW HIM FIRST. TAKE MY ADVICE. IF I WERE A GIRL-- AND I AM-- I'D WATCH MY STEP. IF I'D BEEN WATCHING MY STEP, I NEVER WOULD HAVE MET HIM. I CAN'T WAIT TO TELL JOSEPHINE. SHE'LL BE SURPRISED. LET'S RUN AND TELL HER RIGHT NOW! WE DON'T HAVE TO RUN. OH, YES, WE DO! JOSEPHINE, YOO-HOO! HOO! HOO! HOO! I GUESS SHE'S NOT HERE. I CAN'T IMAGINE WHERE SHE'D BE. I'LL BE BACK LATER. WAIT. I HAVE A FEELING SHE'LL SHOW UP SOON. BELIEVE IT OR NOT, JOSEPHINE PREDICTED THE WHOLE THING. THIS IS ONE FOR RIPLEY. DO YOU SUPPOSE SHE'S SHOPPING? SHOPPING, YES! SHE'LL COME IN WITH A BRAND-NEW OUTFIT! " RUNNING WILD " " LOST CONTROL " " RUNNING WILD " " MIGHTY BOLD " " TA TA TA DEE DEE DEE " " CAREFREE MIND ALL THE TIME-- " JOSEPHINE! I DIDN'T HEAR YOU COME IN. " ALWAYS GOING, DON'T KNOW WHERE " " ALWAYS SHOWING I DON'T CARE-- "" HAVE A GOOD TIME, GIRLS? THE MOST WONDERFUL THING HAPPENED! WHAT? GUESS. THEY REPEALED PROHIBITION? YOU CAN DO BETTER THAN THAT! I MET ONE OF THEM. ONE OF WHOM? SHELL OIL JUNIOR. HE'S GOT MILLIONS... GLASSES...A YACHT. NOT ONLY A YACHT. A BICYCLE! DAPHNE. TELL ME ALL ABOUT HIM. HE'S YOUNG, AND HE'S HANDSOME. HE'S A BACHELOR. HE'S A REAL GENTLEMAN, NOT ONE OF THESE GRABBERS. MAYBEYOU BETTER GO AFTER HIM SO YOU DON'T LOSE HIM. I WON'T LET THIS ONE GET AWAY. HE COLLECTS SHELLS. WHATEVER FOR? YOU KNOW, THE OLD SHELL GAME. DAPHNE, YOU'RE BOTHERING US. YOU'LL MEET HIM TONIGHT. HE SAID HE'LL COME TO HEAR US PLAY...MAYBE. MAYBE? I SAW THE WAY HE LOOKED AT YOU. HE'LL BE THERE FOR SURE! JOSEPHINE, WHAT DOES IT SAY IN YOUR CRYSTAL BALL? HEY, IS SUGAR IN HERE? YES? SUGAR, YOU GOT THE KEY? I'M LOCKED OUT. SEE YOU ON THE BANDSTAND, GIRLS. [DOOR CLOSES] WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO TO THAT GIRL, PUTTING ON A MILLIONAIRE ACT? WHERE DID YOU GET THAT PHONY ACCENT? I'VE SEEN YOU PULL SOME LOW TRICKS ON WOMEN. THIS THE TRICKIEST, LOWEST, AND MEANEST-- I-I-I'M NOT AFRAID OF YOU. I'M THIN, BUT I'M WIRY. YOU'LL GET HURT BECAUSE WHEN I'M AROUSED, I'M A TIGER. JOE! DON'T LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT WHEN IT WAS ALL A JOKE! I'LL PRESS THE SUIT MYSELF. [TELEPHONE RINGS] TELEPHONE! ANSWER THE TEL-- --EPHONE. [RING] [MAN'S VOICE] HELLO! [WOMAN'S VOICE] HELLO. YES, THIS IS 413. SHIP-TO-SHORE? ALL RIGHT. I'LL TAKE IT. DAPHNE, IT'S THAT NAUGHTY BOY AGAIN. YOU KNOW...OSGOOD. IN THE ELEVATOR? YOU SLAPPED MY FACE. HA HA! WHO IS THIS? HER ROOMMATE. DAPHNE CAN'T TALK NOW. IS IT URGENT? TELL HER I'D LIKE HER TO HAVE SUPPER WITH ME ON MY YACHT AFTER THE SHOW TONIGHT. SUPPER, YACHT, AFTER THE SHOW. I'LL TELL HER. YOUR YACHT? THE NEW CALEDONIA. THE OLD CALEDONIA WENT DOWN DURING A WILD PARTY OFF CAPE HATTERAS! TELL HER NOT TO WORRY. THIS WILL BE A QUIET LITTLE MIDNIGHT SNACK. JUST THE TWO OF US. JUST THE TWO OF YOU? WHAT ABOUT THE CREW? I'M GIVING THEM SHORE LEAVE. HA HA! WE'LL HAVE COLD PHEASANT AND CHAMPAGNE. I'VE CHECKED WITH THE COAST GUARD. THERE'S GOING TO BE A FULL MOON TONIGHT! OH! TELL HER I'VE GOT A NEW BATCH OF RUDY VALLEE RECORDS! HA HA! GOOD THINKING. DAPHNE'S A PUSHOVER FOR HIM. PUSHOVER FOR WHO? SHH! YEAH, MR. FIELDING? YOU'LL PICK HER UP AFTER THE SHOW IN YOUR MOTORBOAT? GOOD-BYE. WHAT'S THAT? OH. ZOWIE. I'LL GIVE HER THE MESSAGE. WHAT MESSAGE? FIELDING WANTS TO HAVE COLD PHEASANT WITH YOU ON HIS YACHT. JUST THE THREE OF YOU... YOU, HIM, AND RUDY VALLEE. CALL HIM BACK. I'M NOT GOING. OF COURSE YOU'RE NOT. I'M GOING. YOU'RE GOING TO BE ON THE BOAT WITH THAT DIRTY OLD MAN? NO. I'M GOING TO BE ON THE BOAT WITH SUGAR. HE'S GOING TO BE ASHORE WITH YOU. WITH ME? OH, NO! NOT TONIGHT, JOSEPHINE! " I WANT TO BE LOVED BY YOU " " JUST YOU " " NOBODY ELSE BUT YOU " " I WANT TO BE LOVED BY YOU " " ALONE " " BOOP-BOOP-EE-DOO " [CYMBAL CRASH] " I WANT TO BE KISSED BY YOU " " JUST YOU " " NOBODY ELSE BUT YOU " " I WANT TO BE KISSED BY YOU " " ALONE " " I COULDN'T ASPIRE " " TO ANYTHING HIGHER " " THAN TO FILL THE DESIRE " " TO MAKE YOU MY OWN " " BA-DUM BA-DUM " " BA-DOO-DA-LEE-DUM " POO! " I WANT TO BE LOVED BY YOU " " JUST YOU " " NOBODY ELSE BUT YOU " " I WANT TO BE LOVED BY YOU " " ALONE " DAPHNE, YOUR BOYFRIEND'S WAVING AT YOU. YOU CAN BOTH GO TAKE A FLYING JUMP. HE'S YOUR DATE FOR TONIGHT, SO SMILE. YOU CAN DO BETTER THAN THAT. GIVE HIM THE TEETH, THE WHOLE PERSONALITY. WHY DO I LET YOU TALK ME INTO THESE THINGS? BECAUSE WE'RE PALS, THE TWO MUSKETEERS. HOW WILL I KEEP THE GUY ASHORE? TELL HIM YOU GET SEASICK ON A YACHT... PLAY MINIATURE GOLF WITH HIM. I'M NOT GETTING CAUGHT IN A MINIATURE SAND TRAP WITH THAT GUY! WHICH OF YOU DOLLS IS DAPHNE? BULL FIDDLE. IT'S FROM SATCHEL MOUTH AT TABLE SEVEN. THIS IS FROM ME TO YOU, DOLL. BEAT IT, BUSTER. NEVER MIND LEAVING YOUR DOOR OPEN. I GOT A PASSKEY. " I COULDN'T ASPIRE... " WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH MY FLOWERS? JUST BORROWING THEM. YOU'LL GET THEM BACK TOMORROW. " TO MAKE YOU MY OWN " " BA-DUM BA-DUM " " BA-DOO-DA-LEE-DUM " POO! " I WANT TO BE LOVED BY YOU " " JUST YOU " " AND NOBODY ELSE BUT YOU " " I WANT TO BE LOVED BY YOU " " BA-DEEDLIE-DEEDLIE DEEDLIE-DUM " " BOOP-BOOP-EE-DOOP "" [APPLAUSE] I GUESS HE'S NOT GOING TO SHOW UP. DO YOU SUPPOSE HE FORGOT? YOU KNOW HOW THOSE MILLIONAIRES ARE. THESE CAME FOR YOU. FOR ME? IT'S SHELL OIL! NO! YES! HE'S INVITING ME FOR SUPPER ON HIS YACHT. HE'LL PICK ME UP AT THE PIER. NO! YES! YOU HEARD HER. YES! IMAGINE ME, SUGAR KOWALCZYK FROM SANDUSKY, OHIO, ON A MILLIONAIRE'S YACHT! IF MY MOTHER COULD ONLY SEE ME NOW. I HOPE MY MOTHER NEVER FINDS OUT. THAT'S IT FOR TONIGHT, FOLKS. THIS IS SWEET SUE SAYING GOOD NIGHT, REMINDING ALL YOU DADDIES THAT EVERY GIRL IN MY BAND IS A VIRTUOSO, AND I INTEND TO KEEP IT THAT WAY. GOOD LUCK. THANKS. [APPLAUSE] IT'S SUCH A WASTE. A FULL MOON... AN EMPTY YACHT. I'LL THROW UP. LET'S GO DANCING. THERE'S A ROADHOUSE-- [HONK HONK] WELL, I'LL BE! HE DOES HAVE A BICYCLE. WHO? HMM? ABOUT THE ROADHOUSE... THEY HAVE A CUBAN BAND THAT'S THE BERRIES. LET'S GO THERE, BLINDFOLD THE ORCHESTRA, AND TANGO TILL DAWN! YOU KNOW SOMETHING, MR. FIELDING? WHAT? YOU'RE DYNAMITE! YOU'RE A PRETTY HOT LITTLE FIRECRACKER YOURSELF. RUFF! HA HA HA! AHOY, THERE! AHOY! BEEN WAITING LONG? IT'S NOT HOW LONG YOU WAIT. IT'S WHO YOU'RE WAITING FOR. THANK YOU FOR THE FLOWERS. I WANTED ORCHIDS FLOWN IN FROM OUR GREENHOUSE, BUT LONG ISLAND IS FOGGED IN. IT'S THE THOUGHT THAT COUNTS. I SEEM TO BE OUT OF GAS. IT'S FUNNY, YOU BEING OUT OF GAS. I MEAN, SHELL OIL AND EVERYTHING. THERE! UH...IT SEEMS TO BE STUCK IN REVERSE. UH...I JUST GOT THIS MOTORBOAT. IT'S AN EXPERIMENTAL MODEL. IT SEEMS LIKE THEY'RE ON THE WRONG TRACK. DO YOU MIND RIDING BACKWARDS? IT MAY TAKE A LITTLE LONGER. IT'S NOT HOW LONG IT TAKES. IT'S WHO'S TAKING YOU. IT LOOKED SO SMALL FROM THE BEACH. BUT WHEN YOU'RE ON IT, IT'S MORE LIKE A CRUISER OR DESTROYER. WE HAVE THREE. MOTHER'S IS IN SOUTHAMPTON. DADDY'S GOT HIS IN VENEZUELA. THE COMPANY IS LAYING A NEW PIPELINE. MY DAD'S INTERESTED IN RAILROADS... BALTIMORE AND OHIO. WHICH IS PORT AND WHICH IS STARBOARD? THAT DEPENDS ON WHETHER YOU'RE COMING OR GOING. NORMALLY, AFT IS OPPOSITE THE STERN. THAT'S THE BRIDGE, SO YOU CAN GET FROM ONE SIDE TO THE OTHER. WOULD YOU LIKE CHAMPAGNE? LOVE IT! WHICH WAY? OH! YOU HAVE AN UPSTAIRS AND A DOWNSTAIRS! YES. THAT'S THE HURRICANE CELLAR. ANOTHER NICE THING-- LOTS OF CLOSET SPACE! WHERE DO YOU SUPPOSE THE STEWARD SET IT UP? IN HERE! OH, YES! ON THURSDAYS, THEY ALWAYS SERVE ME IN THE SMALL SALON. IT'S EXQUISITE, LIKE A FLOATING MANSION. IT'S ALL RIGHT FOR A BACHELOR. WHAT A BEAUTIFUL FISH! I CAUGHT HIM OFF CAPE HATTERAS. WHAT IS IT? IT'S A MEMBER OF THE HERRING FAMILY. [POP] A HERRING? ISN'T IT AMAZING HOW THEY GET THOSE BIG FISH INTO THOSE LITTLE GLASS JARS? THEY SHRINK WHEN THEY'RE MARINATED. CHAMPAGNE? I DON'T MIND IF I DO. DOWN THE HATCH, AS WE SAY AT SEA. BON VOYAGE. OH! LOOK AT ALL THAT SILVERWARE! TROPHIES-- SKEET-SHOOTING, DOG-BREEDING, WATER POLO. WATER POLO? ISN'T THAT DANGEROUS? I'LL SAY. I HAD TWO PONIES DROWNED UNDER ME. WHERE'S YOUR SHELL COLLECTION? WHERE COULD THEY HAVE PUT IT? ON THURSDAYS, I'M LOST AROUND HERE. THURSDAYS? THE CREW'S NIGHT OFF. WE'RE ALONE? COMPLETELY. I'VE NEVER BEEN COMPLETELY ALONE WITH A MAN BEFORE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT-- OF THE OCEAN. IT'S SAFE. WE'RE WELL-ANCHORED. THE SHIP'S IN SHIPSHAPE SHAPE. THE COAST GUARD WILL CALL IF THERE WERE ICEBERGS AROUND. IT'S NOT THE ICEBERGS. CERTAIN MEN WOULD TRY TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF A SITUATION LIKE THIS. YOU'RE FLATTERING ME. I'M SURE YOU'RE A GENTLEMAN. IT'S NOT THAT. IT'S JUST THAT I'M, UH...HARMLESS. HARMLESS? HOW? I'VE GOT THIS THING ABOUT GIRLS. WHAT THING? THEY JUST LEAVE ME COLD. LIKE FRIGID? IT'S MORE LIKE A... A MENTAL BLOCK. WHEN I'M WITH A GIRL, IT DOES ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO ME. HAVE YOU TRIED? HAVE I? I'M TRYING ALL THE TIME. SEE? NOTHING. NOTHING AT ALL? COMPLETE WASHOUT. THAT MAKES ME FEEL JUST AWFUL. IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT. NOW AND THEN, MOTHER NATURE THROWS SOMEBODY A DIRTY CURVE. SOMETHING GOES WRONG INSIDE. YOU CAN'T FALL IN LOVE? NOT ANYMORE. I WAS IN LOVE ONCE. WOULD YOU LIKE A LITTLE COLD PHEASANT? WHAT HAPPENED? I DON'T WANT TO BORE YOU. YOU COULDN'T POSSIBLY. IT WAS MY FRESHMAN YEAR AT PRINCETON. THERE WAS THIS GIRL NAMED NELLIE. SHE WORE GLASSES, TOO. THAT SUMMER, WE SPENT OUR VACATION AT THE GRAND CANYON. WE WERE STANDING ON THE HIGHEST LEDGE, WATCHING THE SUNSET, WHEN, SUDDENLY, WE GOT THIS IMPULSE TO KISS. WE TOOK OFF OUR GLASSES. I STEPPED TOWARD HER, SHE STEPPED TOWARD ME. OH, NO! YES. EIGHT HOURS LATER, THEY BROUGHT HER UP BY MULE. I GAVE HER THREE TRANSFUSIONS. WE HAD THE SAME BLOOD TYPE--0, BUT IT WAS TOO LATE. TALK ABOUT SAD! EVER SINCE THEN... NUMB, NO FEELINGS, LIKE MY HEART WAS SHOT FULL OF NOVOCAIN. YOU POOR, POOR BOY. YES! ALL THE MONEY IN THE WORLD, AND WHAT GOOD IS IT? MINT SAUCE OR CRANBERRIES? HOW CAN YOU THINK ABOUT FOOD NOW? WHAT ELSE IS THERE FOR ME? IS IT THAT HOPELESS? MY FAMILY DID EVERYTHING THEY COULD-- HIRED THE MOST BEAUTIFUL FRENCH UPSTAIRS MAIDS, READ ME THOSE BOOKS BANNED IN BOSTON, IMPORTED A WHOLE TROUPE OF BALINESE DANCERS WITH BELLS ON THEIR ANKLES AND LONG FINGERNAILS. WHAT A WASTE OF MONEY. HAVE YOU EVER TRIED AMERICAN GIRLS? WHY? WAS THAT ANYTHING? THANKS JUST THE SAME. YOU SHOULD SEE A DOCTOR, A GOOD DOCTOR. I HAVE. I SPENT SIX MONTHS IN VIENNA WITH PROFESSOR FREUD, FLAT ON MY BACK. THEN THE MAYO BROTHERS, INJECTIONS, HYPNOSIS, UH... MINERAL BATHS. IF I WASN'T A COWARD, I'D KILL MYSELF. DON'T SAY THAT! THERE MUST BE SOME GIRL SOMEPLACE THAT COULD... IF I EVER FOUND THE GIRL THAT COULD, I'D MARRY HER JUST LIKE THAT. I MAY NOT BE DR. FREUD OR A MAYO BROTHER OR ONE OF THOSE FRENCH UPSTAIRS GIRLS, BUT...COULD I TAKE ANOTHER CRACK AT IT? ALL RIGHT, IF YOU INSIST. ANYTHING THIS TIME? I'M AFRAID NOT. TERRIBLY SORRY. WOULD YOU LIKE SOME MORE CHAMPAGNE? MAYBE IF WE HAD SOME MUSIC. HOW DO YOU DIM THESE LIGHTS? IT'S SWEET OF YOU TO WANT TO HELP, BUT IT'S NO USE. I THINK THE LIGHT SWITCH IS OVER THERE. THAT'S THE RADIO. IT'S LIKE TAKING SOMEONE TO A CONCERT WHEN HE'S TONE DEAF. [MUSIC PLAYS] YOU'RE NOT GIVING YOURSELF A CHANCE. DON'T FIGHT IT. RELAX. IT'S LIKE SMOKING WITHOUT INHALING. SO INHALE! DAPHNE. HMM? YOU'RE LEADING AGAIN. SORRY. WELL? I'M NOT QUITE SURE. WOULD YOU TRY IT AGAIN? I GOT A FUNNY SENSATION IN MY TOES, LIKE SOMEONE WAS BARBECUING THEM OVER A SLOW FLAME. LET'S THROW ANOTHER LOG ON THE FIRE. I THINK YOU'RE ON THE RIGHT TRACK. I MUST BE. YOUR GLASSES ARE BEGINNING TO STEAM UP. I NEVER KNEW IT COULD BE LIKE THIS. THANK YOU. THEY TOLD ME I WAS KAPUT, FINISHED, ALL WASHED UP, AND HERE YOU ARE MAKING A CHUMP OUT OF ALL THOSE EXPERTS. MINERAL BATHS. NOW REALLY. WHERE DID YOU LEARN TO KISS LIKE THAT? I USED TO SELL KISSES FOR THE MILK FUND. TOMMORROW, REMIND ME TO SEND A CHECK FOR $100,000 TO THE MILK FUND. OLE! OLE! OLE! [HUMMING TANGO] WHOOP! OOH! GOOD NIGHT. GOOD MORNING. HOW MUCH DO I OWE THE MILK FUND SO FAR? $850,000. LET'S MAKE IT AN EVEN MILLION. I FORGOT TO GIVE YOU A RECEIPT. [HUMMING TANGO] OLE! HI, JERRY. EVERYTHING UNDER CONTROL? HAVE I GOT THINGS TO TELL YOU. WHAT HAPPENED? I'M ENGAGED. CONGRATULATIONS! WHO'S THE LUCKY GIRL? I AM. [HUMMING TANGO] WHAT? OSGOOD PROPOSED TO ME. WE'RE PLANNING A JUNE WEDDING. [HUMMING TANGO] WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? YOU CAN'T MARRY OSGOOD. YOU THINK HE'S TOO OLD FOR ME? JERRY, YOU CAN'T BE SERIOUS! HE KEEPS MARRYING GIRLS ALL THE TIME! YOU'RE A GUY! WHY WOULD A GUY WANT TO MARRY A GUY? SECURITY. [HUMMING TANGO] JERRY, YOU BETTER LIE DOWN. YOU'RE NOT WELL. I'M NOT STUPID. I KNOW THERE'S A PROBLEM. I'LL SAY THERE IS. HIS MOTHER. WE NEED HER APPROVAL. I'M NOT WORRIED BECAUSE I DON'T SMOKE. [HUMMING TANGO] THERE'S ANOTHER PROBLEM. LIKE WHAT? WHAT WILL YOU DO ON YOUR HONEYMOON? HE WANTS TO GO TO THE RIVIERA. I LEAN TOWARDS NIAGARA FALLS. [HUMMING TANGO] HOW ARE YOU GOING TO GET AWAY WITH THIS? I DON'T EXPECT IT TO LAST! I'LL TELL HIM WHEN THE TIME COMES. LIKE WHEN? AFTER THE CEREMONY. OH. THEN WE GET AN ANNULMENT, HE MAKES A SETTLEMENT ON ME, AND I KEEP GETTING ALIMONY CHECKS. [HUMMING TANGO] JERRY, JERRY, JERRY, LISTEN TO ME. LISTEN TO ME. THERE ARE LAWS, CONVENTIONS. IT'S JUST NOT BEING DONE. THIS MAY BE MY LAST CHANCE TO MARRY A MILLIONAIRE. TAKE MY ADVICE. FORGET ABOUT THE WHOLE THING. KEEP TELLING YOURSELF YOU'RE A BOY. YOU'RE A BOY. I'M A BOY. THAT'S THE BOY. OH, I'M A BOY. OH... I'M A BOY. I WISH I WERE DEAD. OH, BOY, AM I A BOY. WHAT WILL I DO ABOUT MY ENGAGEMENT PRESENT? WHAT ENGAGEMENT PRESENT? OSGOOD GAVE ME A BRACELET. HEY, THESE ARE REAL DIAMONDS! YOU THINK MY FIANCE IS A BUM? I GUESS I'LL GIVE IT BACK TO HIM. LET'S NOT BE HASTY. WE DON'T WANT TO HURT OSGOOD'S FEELINGS. [KNOCK KNOCK] JUST A MINUTE. IT'S ME, SUGAR. COME IN. I HAD TO TALK TO SOMEBODY. I DON'T FEEL LIKE GOING TO SLEEP. YOU NEED SOME BOURBON. I'M OFF THAT FOR GOOD. DID YOU HAVE A NICE TIME? NICE? IT WAS SUICIDALLY BEAUTIFUL. DID HE GET FRESH? IT WAS THE OTHER WAY AROUND. HE NEEDS HELP. WHAT FOR? TALK ABOUT ELEGANT. YOU SHOULD SEE THE YACHT. CANDLELIGHT, MINT SAUCE, AND CRANBERRIES. I WISH I'D BEEN THERE. I'M GOING TO SEE HIM AGAIN TONIGHT. HE'LL PROPOSE WHEN HE GETS UP HIS NERVE. THAT'S SOME NERVE. DAPHNE GOT A PROPOSAL TONIGHT. REALLY? FROM A RICH MILLIONAIRE. OH, THAT'S WONDERFUL! POOR JOSEPHINE. ME? DAPHNE AND I HAVE A BEAU. IF WE COULD ONLY FIND SOMEBODY FOR YOU. HERE I AM, DOLL. OOOHHH! HEY! "FRIENDS OF ITALIAN OPERA." THAT'S US! REGISTER OVER THERE. SPATS COLOMBO. DELEGATE FROM CHICAGO. SOUTHSIDE CHAPTER. THANKS. HIYA, SPATS. WE LAID EIGHT TO ONE YOU WOULDN'T SHOW. WHY WOULDN'T I? WE THOUGHT YOU WAS BROKEN UP ABOUT TOOTHPICK CHARLIE. WE GOT TO GO SOMETIME. YOU NEVER KNOW WHO'S NEXT. REPORT TO THE SERGEANT AT ARMS. WHAT FOR? ORDERS FROM LITTLE BONAPARTE. SPATS, GET YOUR HANDS UP. WHAT'S THE IDEA? LITTLE BONAPARTE DON'T WANT NO HARDWARE AROUND. ALL RIGHT, YOU'RE CLEAN. YOU'RE NOT. IT AIN'T LOADED. NEXT. WHAT'S IN HERE? MY GOLF CLUBS, PUTTER, NIBLICK, NUMBER THREE IRON. WHAT'S THIS? MY MASHIE. SEE YOU AT THE BANQUET, SPATS. WHERE DID YOU PICK UP THAT CHEAP TRICK? COME ON, BOYS. WELL, SPATS COLUMBO IF I EVER SAW ONE. WHAT BRINGS YOU TO FLORIDA? I HEARD YOU OPERA LOVERS WERE HAVING A RALLY. I THOUGHT I'D BETTER BE AROUND. BIG JOKE. WHERE WERE YOU AT 3:00 ON VALENTINE'S DAY? AT RIGOLETTO. WHERE'S HE LIVE? THAT'S AN OPERA. WHERE DID THEY PLAY IT? HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF DELUXE FRENCH CLEANERS? WHY? YOU SENT IN SOME SPATS. THEY HAD BLOOD ON THEM. I CUT MYSELF SHAVING. YOU SHAVE WITH SPATS ON? I SLEEP WITH MY SPATS. YOU DID THAT JOB ON CHARLIE, AND WE KNOW IT. YOU AND WHO ELSE? THOSE TWO WITNESSES YOUR LAWYERS ARE LOOKING FOR. DO YOU KNOW ABOUT GARAGES, WITNESSES? WE WAS WITH YOU. HONEST. ONE OF THESE DAYS WE WILL DIG UP THOSE GUYS. THAT'S WHAT YOU'LL HAVE TO DO-- DIG THEM UP. I FEEL LIKE SUCH A TRAMP, TAKING JEWELRY UNDER FALSE PRETENSES. GET IT WHILE YOU'RE YOUNG. HE'LL BE HEARTBROKEN WHEN HE FINDS OUT I CAN'T MARRY HIM. IT WILL BREAK SUGAR'S HEART WHEN SHE FINDS OUT I'M NOT A MILLIONAIRE. YOU CAN'T MAKE AN OMELETTE WITHOUT BREAKING AN EGG. WE'VE GOT A YACHT AND A BRACELET. YOU'VE GOT OSGOOD, I'VE GOT SUGAR. WE'RE REALLY COOKING. JOE? WHAT? SOMETHING TELLS ME THE OMELETTE IS ABOUT TO HIT THE FAN. COME ON, DAPHNE. GOING UP. HOLD IT. THREE, PLEASE. I DON'T MEAN TO BE FORWARD, BUT AIN'T I HAD THE PLEASURE OF MEETING YOU TWO BROADS BEFORE? YOU MUST BE THINKING OF TWO OTHER BROADS. YOU EVER BEEN IN CHICAGO? WE WOULDN'T BE CAUGHT DEAD IN CHICAGO. THIRD FLOOR. WHAT FLOOR ARE YOU ON, SWEETIE? NEVER YOU MIND. ROOM 413. WE'LL BE IN TOUCH. DON'T CALL US. WE'LL CALL YOU. OHH! THEY'RE ON TO US. THEY WILL LINE US UP AGAINST THE WALL AND EH-EH-EH-EH! THE COPS WILL FIND TWO DEAD DAMES, AND THEY'LL TAKE US TO THE LADIES' MORGUE. KEEP PACKING. OK, JOE. NOT THAT! THEY'RE FROM OSGOOD. HE WANTED ME TO WEAR THEM TONIGHT. I TELL YOU, I WILL NEVER FIND ANOTHER MAN WHO'S SO GOOD TO ME. IF WE GET OUT OF THIS HOTEL ALIVE, WE'LL SELL THIS BRACELET, GRAB A BOAT TO SOUTH AMERICA, HIDE OUT IN A BANANA REPUBLIC. WE COULD LIVE ON BANANAS FOR 50 YEARS. DID WE FORGET ANYTHING? THERE'S THE SHAVING STUFF AND SUGAR. SUGAR? ROOM 414. WHAT ARE YOU DOING? MAKING A CALL. WE CAN'T WALK OUT WITHOUT SAYING GOOD-BYE. USUALLY YOU KICK THEM IN THE TEETH. THAT'S WHEN I PLAYED THE SAXOPHONE. WELL, MAIL HER A POSTCARD. THEY MAY BE HERE SOON. THIS IS THE SHIP-TO-SHORE OPERATOR. SHIP-TO-SHORE? HEY, SUGAR, IT'S FOR YOU FROM THE YACHT. HELLO. HELLO, MY DEAREST DARLING. SO GOOD TO HEAR YOUR VOICE AGAIN. I MAY THROW UP! NO, I DIDN'T SLEEP TOO WELL, DARLING. I NEVER CLOSED AN EYE. I NEVER SLEPT BETTER. I HAD THE MOST WONDERFUL DREAM. I WAS ON THE YACHT, AND THE ANCHOR BROKE. YOU WERE THE CAPTAIN, AND I WAS THE CREW. I KEPT A LOOKOUT FOR ICEBERGS. I SORTED YOUR SHELLS AND MIXED YOUR COCKTAILS. I WIPED STEAM OFF YOUR GLASSES. WHEN I AWOKE, I WANTED TO SWIM BACK TO YOU. YES. NOW ABOUT OUR DATE FOR TONIGHT... I'LL MEET YOU ON THE PIER AFTER THE SHOW. I'M AFRAID NOT. I CAN'T MAKE IT TONIGHT. NOT TOMORROW, EITHER. YOU SEE, I HAVE TO LEAVE. SOMETHING UNEXPECTED CAME UP. AH, I'M SAILING RIGHT AWAY. WHERE TO? SOUTH AMERICA. OH. THAT IS UNEXPECTED. WE HAVE OIL INTERESTS IN VENEZUELA. I GOT A CABLE FROM DAD. THE DIRECTORS HAVE DECIDED ON A MERGER. MERGER? HOW LONG WILL YOU BE GONE? QUITE A WHILE. AS A MATTER OF FACT, I'M NOT COMING BACK AT ALL. YOU'RE NOT? WELL, IT'S ALL RATHER COMPLICATED, WHAT WE CALL HIGH FINANCE. THE PRESIDENT OF THE VENEZUELAN OIL SYNDICATE HAS A DAUGHTER, AND, UH... OH, THAT KIND OF MERGER. WHAT IS SHE LIKE? ACCORDING TO OUR TAX ADVISER, SHE'S ONLY SO-S0, BUT THAT'S THE WAY THE OIL GUSHES. A MAN IN MY POSITION HAS A RESPONSIBILITY TO THE STOCKHOLDERS, LITTLE PEOPLE WHO'VE INVESTED THEIR SAVINGS. OH, OF COURSE. I UNDERSTAND. AT LEAST, I THINK I DO. I KNEW YOU WOULD. I WISH THERE WAS SOMETHING I COULD DO FOR YOU. YOU'VE GIVEN ME ALL THAT INSIDE INFORMATION. TOMMORROW, I'LL CALL MY BROKER AND HAVE HIM BUY ME 50,000 SHARES OF VENEZUELAN OIL. SMART MOVE. BY THE WAY, DID YOU GET MY FLOWERS, YOU KNOW, THOSE ORCHIDS FROM MY GREENHOUSE? THE FOG FINALLY LIFTED OVER LONG ISLAND, AND THEY FLEW THEM DOWN THIS MORNING. THAT'S STRANGE. I SENT THEM TO YOUR ROOM. THEY SHOULD HAVE BEEN DELIVERED BY NOW. HEY, DOLORES, WILL YOU SEE IF THERE'S ANY FLOWERS OUTSIDE? YES, THEY'RE HERE. WHITE ORCHIDS. I HAVEN'T HAD WHITE ORCHIDS SINCE I WAS A DEBUTANTE. WHAT'S THIS? WHAT'S WHAT? OH, THAT. JUST A LITTLE GOING-AWAY PRESENT. REAL DIAMONDS. THEY MUST BE WORTH THEIR WEIGHT IN GOLD. ARE YOU ALWAYS THIS GENEROUS? NO. I WANTED YOU TO KNOW HOW VERY GRATEFUL I AM FOR WHAT YOU DID FOR ME. I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING. IT JUST HAPPENED. OH, THE NAVIGATOR JUST CAME IN. WE'RE READY TO CAST OFF. ANCHORS AWEIGH. HAVE A BON VOYAGE. IF Y NEED AN ORCHESTRA FOR YOUR WEDDING, WE'LL BE THROUGH HERE IN A FEW WEEKS. GOOD-BYE, MY DARLING. THE NAVIGATOR'S GETTING HIS TAIL OUT OF HERE. YEAH. LET'S SHOVE OFF. WAIT A MINUTE. MY BRACELET. WHAT HAPPENED TO MY BRACELET? IT'SOUR BRACELET. WHAT HAPPENED TO OUR BRACELET? WE DID THE RIGHT THING WITH IT. YOU'RE NOT PULLING ONE OF YOUR OLD TRICKS? NO TRICKS. IT'S ON THE LEVEL THIS TIME. YOU-- WHERE'S THAT BOURBON? WHAT'S THE MATTER, SUGAR? I DON'T KNOW. ALL OF A SUDDEN I'M THIRSTY. HOW DID YOU GET THAT BRACELET? YOU LIKE IT? JUNIOR GAVE IT TO ME. HE'S GOING TO SOUTH AMERICA TO MARRY ANOTHER GIRL. THAT'S WHAT YOU CALL HIGH FINANCE. I WOULD TAKE THAT BRACELET AND THROW IT IN HIS FACE. DAPHNE. HE WAS THE FIRST NICE GUY I'VE MET. YOU'LL FORGET HIM, SUGAR. HOW CAN I? NO MATTER WHERE I GO, THERE'LL ALWAYS BE A SHELL STATION. I'LL BRING THIS BACK WHEN IT'S EMPTY. ARE YOU CRAZY? THE PLACE IS CRAWLING WITH MOBSTERS, AND YOU'RE MAKING LIKE DIAMOND JIM BRADY. HOW WILL WE GET OUT OF HERE? WE'LL WALK. THERE YOU GO WITH THAT WE AGAIN. NOT THAT WAY. WE DON'T WANT TO RUN INTO SPATS. YOUR HANDS CLEAN? OVER. OK. BUTTON MY SPATS. YOU SURE DRESS NICE, BOSS. I BEEN TALKING WITH THE DELEGATES. THE WORD IS THAT LITTLE BONAPARTE IS SORE ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED TO TOOTHPICK CHARLIE. THEY WERE CHOIR BOYS TOGETHER. STOP, OR I'LL CRY. HE GOT CHARLIE'S LAST TOOTHPICK GOLD PLATED. LITTLE BONAPARTE'S GETTING SOFT. HASN'T GOT IT HERE ANYMORE. USED TO BE LIKE A ROCK. OH, IT'S TOO BAD. I THINK IT'S ABOUT TIME HE SHOULD RETIRE. SECOND THE MOTION. HOW WILL WE RETIRE HIM? WE'LL THINK OF SOMETHING CUTE. BONAPARTE AND CHARLIE WILL BE SINGING IN THE SAME CHOIR AGAIN. BUT THIS TIME, WE'LL MAKE SURE THERE ARE NO WITNESSES. LOOK! THE TWO BROADS FROM THE ELEVATOR! HEY, JOIN US! UH! WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH THOSE DAMES? MAYBE THOSE DAMES AIN'T DAMES. SAME FACES. SAME INSTRUMENTS. AND HERE'S YOUR VALENTINE'S CARD. THE TWO MUSICIANS FROM THE GARAGE. THEY WOULDN'T BE CAUGHT DEAD IN CHICAGO. WE'LL FINISH THE JOB HERE. COME ON! ALL RIGHT. SO WHAT DO WE DO NOW? WE GOT TO GET OUT OF THESE CLOTHES. YOO HOO! WHAT HAPPENED? ME AND TINY LOST THEM IN THE SHUFFLE. WHERE WERE YOU GUYS? AT RIGOLETTO'S. WHY, YOU STUPID IDIOT. WE'LL GET THEM AFTER THE BANQUET. THEY CAN'T BE TOO FAR AWAY. [APPLAUSE] THANK YOU. THANK YOU, FELLOW OPERA LOVERS. IT'S BEEN 10 YEARS SINCE I ELECTED MYSELF PRESIDENT OF THIS ORGANIZATION, AND IF I SAY SO MYSELF, YOU MADE THE RIGHT CHOICE. [APPLAUSE] LET'S LOOK AT THE RECORD. IN THE LAST FISCAL YEAR, WE MADE $112 MILLION BEFORE TAXES, ONLY WE AIN'T PAID NO TAXES. OF COURSE, LIKE IN EVERY BUSINESS, WE HAD OUR LITTLE MISUNDERSTANDINGS. LET US RISE AND OBSERVE ONE MINUTE OF SILENCE IN MEMORY OF SEVEN MEMBERS FROM CHICAGO NORTHSIDE CHAPTER WHO ARE UNABLE TO BE HERE ON ACCOUNT OF BEING RUBBED OUT. YOU, TOO, SPATS. UP! YOU KNOW WHEN YOU COME OUT? YEAH. THE SECOND TIME THEY SING " FOR HE'S A JOLLY GOOD FELLOW " " WHICH NOBODY CAN DENY "" OK. AND DON'T MESS UP THE CAKE. I PROMISED TO BRING BACK A PIECE TO MY KIDS. NOW, FELLOW DELEGATES, THERE COMES A TIME IN THE LIFE OF EVERY BUSINESS EXECUTIVE WHEN HE STARTS THINKING ABOUT RETIREMENT. NO! NO! PLEASE! IN LOOKING AROUND FOR SOMEBODY TO FILL MY SHOES, I'VE BEEN CONSIDERING SEVERAL CANDIDATES. FOR INSTANCE, THERE'S A CERTAIN PARTY FROM CHICAGO SOUTHSIDE CHAPTER. NOW, SOME PEOPLE SAY HE'S GOTTEN A LITTLE TOO BIG FOR HIS SPATS, BUT I SAY HE'S A MAN WHO'LL GO FAR. SOME PEOPLE SAY HE'S GONETOO FAR! BUT I SAY YOU CAN'T KEEP A GOOD MAN DOWN. OF COURSE, HE'S STILL GOT A LOT TO LEARN. THAT BIG NOISE HE MADE ON ST. VALENTINE'S DAY, THAT WASN'T VERY GOOD FOR PUBLIC RELATIONS. AND LETTING THEM TWO WITNESSES GET AWAY, THAT SURE WAS CARELESS. DON'T WORRY ABOUT THEM, THEY'RE AS GOOD AS DEAD. I ALMOST CAUGHT UP WITH THEM TODAY. YOU LET THEM GET AWAY TWICE? SOME PEOPLE WOULD SAY THAT'S REAL SLOPPY. I SAY TO ERR IS HUMAN, TO FORGIVE DIVINE. JUST TO SHOW YOU WHAT I THINK OF YOU, SPATS, THE BOYS TELL ME YOU'RE HAVING A BIRTHDAY. WE BAKED YOU A CAKE. MY BIRTHDAY? WHY, IT AIN'T FOR ANOTHER FOUR MONTHS. SO WE'RE A LITTLE EARLY. SO WHAT'S A FEW MONTHS BETWEEN FRIENDS? ALL RIGHT, BOYS. NOW ALL TOGETHER. " FOR HE'S A JOLLY GOOD FELLOW " " FOR HE'S A JOLLY GOOD FELLOW " " FOR HE'S A JOLLY GOOD FELLOW " " WHICH NOBODY CAN DENY " " WHICH NOBODY CAN DENY " " WHICH NOBODY CAN DENY " " FOR HE'S A JOLLY GOOD FELLOW " " FOR HE'S A JOLLY GOOD FELLOW " " FOR HE'S A JOLLY GOOD FELLOW " " WHICH NOBODY CAN DENY "" [GUNSHOTS] UGH! BIG JOKE. [GUNSHOTS] LET'S GET OUT OF HERE. GET THOSE TWO GUYS! WHAT HAPPENED HERE? THERE WAS SOMETHING IN THAT CAKE THAT DIDN'T AGREE WITH THEM. [LAUGHTER] MY COMPLIMENTS TO THE CHEF. NOBODY LEAVES UNTIL I GET THE RECIPE. YOU WANT TO MAKE A FEDERAL CASE OF IT? YEAH. THEY SLIPPED THROUGH OUR HANDS. OUR GUYS ARE WATCHING THE RAILROAD STATION, THE ROADS, AND THE AIRPORTS. DID YOU HEAR THAT? THEY'RE NOT WATCHING YACHTS. YOU'RE GOING TO CALL OSGOOD. WHAT WILL I TELL HIM? YOU WILL ELOPE WITH HIM. ELOPE! THERE ARE LAWS, CONVENTIONS. THERE'S A CONVENTION ALL RIGHT. THERE'S ALSO THE LADIES' MORGUE. [GULPS] " I'M THROUGH WITH LOVE " " I'LL NEVER FALL AGAIN " " SAID ADIEU TO LOVE " " DON'T EVER CALL AGAIN " " FOR I MUST HAVE YOU " " OR NO ONE " " AND SO I'M THROUGH WITH LOVE " " I'VE LOCKED MY HEART " " I'LL KEEP MY FEELINGS THERE " " I'VE STOCKED MY HEART " " WITH ICY FRIGID AIR " " AND I MEAN TO CARE " " FOR NO ONE " " BECAUSE I'M THROUGH WITH LOVE " " WHY DID YOU LEAD ME TO THINK YOU COULD CARE? " " YOU DIDN'T NEED ME " " YOU HAD YOUR SHARE " " OF SLAVES AROUND YOU " " TO HOUND YOU AND SWEAR " " WITH DEEP EMOTION " " DEVOTION TO YOU " " GOOD-BYE TO SPRING " " AND ALL IT MEANT TO ME " " IT CAN NEVER BRING " " THE THING THAT USED TO BE " " FOR I MUST HAVE YOU OR NO ONE " " AND SO I'M THROUGH WITH LOVE " " AND SO I'M THROUGH WITH " " BABY, I'M THROUGH WITH LOVE "" JOSEPHINE! BIENSTOCK! HEY, THAT'S NO DAME. NONE OF THAT, SUGAR. NO GUY IS WORTH IT. [FOOTSTEPS] WHAT'S GOING ON? GRAB THAT BROAD! AHH! WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO? JOSEPHINE? OSGOOD'S MEETING US AT THE PIER. WE'RE NOT ON THE PIER YET! HOLD IT! AAH! AAH! AAH! AAH! HI! MY FRIEND JOSEPHINE WILL BE A BRIDESMAID. WELL, PLEASED TO MEET YOU. COME ON! SHE'S SO EAGER. [HORN BLOWS] WAIT! WAIT FOR SUGAR! ANOTHER BRIDESMAID? FLOWER GIRL. SUGAR, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? I TOLD YOU, I'M NOT VERY BRIGHT. LET'S GO! YOU DON'T WANT ME, SUGAR. I'M A LIAR, A SAXOPHONE PLAYER, ONE OF THOSE YOU RUN AWAY FROM. I KNOW! EVERY TIME. GO BACK TO WHERE THE MILLIONAIRES ARE, THE SWEET END OF THE LOLLIPOP, NOT THE SQUEEZED OUT TUBE OF TOOTHPASTE. THAT'S RIGHT, TALK ME OUT OF IT. I CALLED MAMA. SHE WAS SO HAPPY, SHE CRIED. SHE WANTS YOU TO HAVE HER WEDDING GOWN. I CAN'T GET MARRIED IN YOUR MOTHER'S DRESS. SHE AND I-- WE ARE NOT BUILT THE SAME WAY. WE CAN HAVE IT ALTERED. OH, NO, YOU DON'T! I'LL LEVEL WITH YOU. WE CAN'T GET MARRIED AT ALL. WHY NOT? I'M NOT A NATURAL BLONDE. DOESN'T MATTER. I SMOKE. I SMOKE ALL THE TIME. I DON'T CARE. I HAVE A TERRIBLE PAST. I'VE BEEN LIVING WITH A SAXOPHONE PLAYER. I FORGIVE YOU. I CAN NEVER HAVE CHILDREN. WE CAN ADOPT SOME. WELL, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND, OSGOOD. OHH! I'M A MAN! WELL, NOBODY'S PERFECT.